08-28-2021, 11:58 PM
.
Hi Busker,
not sure the structure and 'refrain' work. The enjambment after 'squall' confuses (me, at least), and it feels slightly repetitive (thrashing trees / waving branches), but the tone works very well and I particularly like the 'accidental symphonies'. Should polish up nicely (with perhaps some elaboration of 'gardens'?).
By way of a nudge.
When I thought I loved you
it wasn’t you at all
but sunshine on the heath,
swans gliding in the pond,
a secondhand bookshop
with Baudelaire in French.
rain-washed tower blocks
flagstones like ancient tragedies
a squall on the Hackney marshes.
accidental symphonies
in gardens and water
falling. That’s all there was to it
- nothing much at all.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Busker,
not sure the structure and 'refrain' work. The enjambment after 'squall' confuses (me, at least), and it feels slightly repetitive (thrashing trees / waving branches), but the tone works very well and I particularly like the 'accidental symphonies'. Should polish up nicely (with perhaps some elaboration of 'gardens'?).
By way of a nudge.
When I thought I loved you
it wasn’t you at all
but sunshine on the heath,
swans gliding in the pond,
a secondhand bookshop
with Baudelaire in French.
rain-washed tower blocks
flagstones like ancient tragedies
a squall on the Hackney marshes.
accidental symphonies
in gardens and water
falling. That’s all there was to it
- nothing much at all.
Best, Knot
.