08-25-2021, 09:30 PM
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Hi Mark,
another thumbs down for the revision and title change from me. You've cut a bit too much, I think
Returning to the original, I think the problem lies with the second verse. There's a reason there's still a handful left, but, if N never eats them, then it isn't that N never eats them (and the person being addressed knows this), so do you need the first line? Not the best answer (especially for your syllable count
) perhaps, but ...
Last week
when I looked inside the fridge
I saw your blueberries in that pint container,
still a handful left.
I should have thrown em' out, but couldn't.
I stood there for the longest time, then shut the door.
John came by
yesterday, cleaned out the fridge .................. don't think 'son' adds.
and filled it up with stuff he knows I'll eat. ....... 'eat' gives you food.
Today, I open
and close it, open and close it
but I just don’t see the only thing I want. ............'the only thing' is a bit too much, 'anything', or 'what it is'?
Best, Knot
.
Hi Mark,
another thumbs down for the revision and title change from me. You've cut a bit too much, I think
Returning to the original, I think the problem lies with the second verse. There's a reason there's still a handful left, but, if N never eats them, then it isn't that N never eats them (and the person being addressed knows this), so do you need the first line? Not the best answer (especially for your syllable count
) perhaps, but ...Last week
when I looked inside the fridge
I saw your blueberries in that pint container,
still a handful left.
I should have thrown em' out, but couldn't.
I stood there for the longest time, then shut the door.
John came by
yesterday, cleaned out the fridge .................. don't think 'son' adds.
and filled it up with stuff he knows I'll eat. ....... 'eat' gives you food.
Today, I open
and close it, open and close it
but I just don’t see the only thing I want. ............'the only thing' is a bit too much, 'anything', or 'what it is'?
Best, Knot
.