"Revolt(ing)?"
#5
(02-12-2011, 06:47 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote:  When my neighbor
Set fire to his house
I was happy -
His house was
Infested with rats -
Disinfection and
Great entertainment.
Now ...
No neighbor ...
Rats fled ...
On a scene of fire
Hyenas rummage ...
Am I happy
Now?
(A late critique, but I'm new to PP) 
A very well written poem. 
I like the imagery, and the narration you have created. In a mere 43 words you told the story of a man who burns down his house and the aftermath of that event. I can tell that the house, and the neighborhood might have seen better days, since the house is infected with rats. The narrators house probably has a few as well, considering his proximity to his neighbor. There is something to be said for the neighbor, as well, if burning rats is entertainment. This might be another testament to the condition of the neighborhood. 
The hyenas rummaging, I suspect, are neighbors rummaging through the remains of the burnt house (not actual tree dwelling hyenas), another indication of the type of neighborhood the narrator is in.
The use of capitals at the beginning of each line even if it wasn't a new sentence I find generally interrupts the flow of the narrative. Many people do it while I may the only one who takes exception to that style.
Nicely done. Hope to read more of your work.
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Messages In This Thread
"Revolt(ing)?" - by Ris Yerg - 02-12-2011, 06:47 PM
RE: "Revolt(ing)?" - by billy - 02-14-2011, 11:14 AM
RE: "Revolt(ing)?" - by addy - 02-14-2011, 05:52 PM
RE: "Revolt(ing)?" - by Ris Yerg - 02-14-2011, 06:01 PM
RE: "Revolt(ing)?" - by Gerryswo - 08-24-2021, 12:41 PM



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