The Hanging

[Gerryswo]

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Hi Gerryswo,
as other have already said, too many likes, (and repetitions of ideas, for instance a breech birth is, by definition, feet first, so why use the phrase 'feet first'? S1, L7-8)). And if you wanted intensive critique, why not simply post in Intensive?. Anyway ...

some cut and paste thoughts.

like the Vitruvian man, the body
floated down the smooth river ............................ surely there's something better than 'smooth'?
gracefully undulating, Caught in the swirl .......... 'gracefully undulating isn't saying much of interest.
of a persistent eddy, it turned
and found itself being pushed down
a tributary, like a breeched birth.

A silk scarf, brilliant orange ..............................and this is relevant, why? (Misleads, doesn't it?)
against the sky reflected blue of the river,
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck, ................what was the point of the 'detritus line' if all it was was a 'dead branch'? (And 'puffy' in the circumstances, is quite weak)
snagged on a dead tree branch.
and found itself swaying in the water
as if hanged

............. it all rather loses its way at the end, the note, the closing eye, none of it feels like it concludes/resolves any of the earlier thoughts/images. I wonder if you might leave it a bit more open ended and in these lines
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance.
rather than the clunky 'temporary balance' return to the Virtuvian man image - have him adopt that pose on the guard rail, something like

Not long before a man had stood
on the deserted bridge's guard rail
Arms and legs spread wide
letting go of the support rod .............. are they rods? Genuine question
Listening to the lure of a dark river


(of course, the title really misleads).



Best, Knot


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Too many "the"s?

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Hi,

This is my first posting. I'm not sure I'm posting in the right place. I'm hoping someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

THE HANGING

Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves.
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth.
A silk scarf,
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch.
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged.
 
Not long before,
a man had stood,
wavering,
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance.
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water.
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,
drifting like a leaf,
landing softly in the water.
It followed him like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing.

For a dead body, particularly a clothed one, to resurface and bob about on the surface of the water takes a while. For the gases from decomposition to build up in the body cavity and make it float. So the 'not long before' is not a credible observation.
The change from a gentle, undulating river with a slowly swirling eddy to one that is pushing the body along down a tributary is too sudden.
I am also confused about the width of the river. If it's reflecting the sky and yet has trees on the shore, it would be a reasonably wide river, which means that the body could get caught on a jutting branch only if it were already close to the shore. but then it wouldn't be moving around like in a lazy susan....
overall, there's too much that is not realistic.

Some very good points. Thank you.