Greyabbey Trail

[Wjames]

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Very nice, Wj.
two very minor nits, 'dew' (not something one would associate with 'punished', itself a surprisingly strong word, too strong perhaps?) and 'wearing' (seems unnecessary). Do you need 'swaying gently'?

The ravens image is terrific.

One less minor nit, you slept from the children 'running late' til 'dusk' - seems rather long for a 'nap'.

(Could you add 'at dusk' to the title?)


Before autumn punished the woods
with ___ and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
-- backpacks black as ravens, cawing
tantrums in the wind -- I napped

below a robin singing August, golden
in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.


Best, Knot

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Thanks, Knot. I sort of agree with the dew, wearing, and swaying gently comments - I will think on changing dew and cutting the other two. I like punished because it plays with "children", "running late to school" & "tantrums" in the rest of that section (not that it necessarily means anything, I just like the play of the words together) - I also like that it's a strong word myself.

The timeline thing may be a problem, but to me, the nap happened well before, in late summer - this isn't really sequential. If other people also read it as being like one day I may try to change it.

Thanks for your thoughts, I will probably make a few of the suggested changes.