The Hanging

[Gerryswo]

I don't really know how much critique you want but this is some basic feedback from me.  I like the words you use here and the images expressed, right away I thought there were too many 'like's (highlighted below).  Some are fine but some I think could be reworded without the 'like'.  Thank for posting!

Thank you for your response. I thought there might've been too many "likes">

THE HANGING

Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves.
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth.
A silk scarf,
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch.
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged.
 
Not long before,
a man had stood,
wavering,
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance.
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water.
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,
drifting like a leaf,
landing softly in the water.
It followed him like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing.

[/quote]

---

Hi,

Thank you for your response. I should've noted that I wanted an intense critique (or posted it elsewhere). Many or your suggestions make sense to me and will be incorporated into Revision 1.

This is my first posting. I'm not sure I'm posting in the right place. I'm hoping someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

THE HANGING

Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,                                   I had to look this up, which is not necessarily a bad thing.  I think it should be second line.
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves.
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth.
A silk scarf,
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch.                                               move this line up to end previous liine
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged.    move this down to form a new line
 
Not long before,
a man had stood,
wavering,                  move this up to end previous line
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance.        I think you could cut this line without harming the narrative.
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water.         Since you note the way the note hit the water, perhaps something about the body hitting the water
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,
drifting like a leaf,
landing softly in the water.
It followed him, like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing.  break this line and make this your last line

I enjoyed reading this poem, and it carries the reader along, is full of surprises, and good imagery.  As you can see, I suggested a number of cuts, mainly the "like"s and a number of adjectives.  I don't think the adjectives are needed.  They delay the narrative and clutter the imagery.

A fine first posting.  I hope it's OK that I did more than a Basic critique.

TqB

---

I don't really know how much critique you want but this is some basic feedback from me.  I like the words you use here and the images expressed, right away I thought there were too many 'like's (highlighted below).  Some are fine but some I think could be reworded without the 'like'.  Thank for posting!

Thanks for critiquing. I should've mentioned I wanted an intense critique (or posted it elsewhere). I agree with the "likes" issue.

THE HANGING

Arms and legs spread wide
the body floated down the smooth river
like the Vitruvian man,
gracefully undulating in the gentle waves.
Caught in the swirl of a persistent eddy
it turned as if on a Lazy Susan
and found itself being pushed down a tributary, feet first,
like a breeched birth.
A silk scarf,
wrapped twice around its puffy white neck,
brilliant orange
against the sky reflected blue of the river,
snagged on a length of detritus jutting out from the shore;
a dead tree branch.
The arms and legs of the body collapsed together
like a closed jackknife
as it tried unsuccessfully to obey the will of the moving river
and continue downstream,
but found itself instead swaying in the water as if it had been hanged.
 
Not long before,
a man had stood,
wavering,
atop the flat rusted guard rail of a railroad bridge.
He’d held tight to an angled green support rod for temporary balance.
Listening for a moment to the lure of a dark river
temporarily swallowed in shadow,
he’d finally leapt out over the black ribbon of water.
The note that he’d thought would remain behind,
instead followed him down,
drifting like a leaf,
landing softly in the water.
It followed him like a little white raft
before gradually slipping beneath the water like an eye closing.

[/quote]