08-12-2021, 01:12 PM
Towers like broken fingers
reach into a slate grey sky.
A memory of packed cities
of crowds that shuffled by.
I liked your opening stanza, particularly the image of tall city buildings being compared to broken human figures. I thought that was very creative. I didn’t think the remainder of the stanza was quite as creative, though. I thought the “…packed cities…” and “..crowds that shuffled by…’ was a little too easy, like with a little more time, something similar to your opening line could’ve been created.
The promise of cold silence
of store fronts now laid bare.
2020 the year of the virus
of emptied streets everywhere.
Again, in your second stanza, I think you start out strong with the “Promise of cold silence” but miss the opportunity to follow through with “empty streets everywhere.” Also I think there should be a comma after 2020.
Tv screens flicker blue
to the box lose your brain.
The media hypes the fear
of the novel Covid strain.
In your third stanza I found myself scratching my head at “to the box lose your brain” I wasn’t sure if it was a grammar issue, or if you missed a word somewhere, but I didn’t understand the line.
In summary I would say your poem had the potential to be stronger than I thought it was. I think you could spend a little more time trying for some more unique phrasing. You definitely have the ability as in the lines I mentioned. I think you just need to carry it through to the rest of the poem.
reach into a slate grey sky.
A memory of packed cities
of crowds that shuffled by.
I liked your opening stanza, particularly the image of tall city buildings being compared to broken human figures. I thought that was very creative. I didn’t think the remainder of the stanza was quite as creative, though. I thought the “…packed cities…” and “..crowds that shuffled by…’ was a little too easy, like with a little more time, something similar to your opening line could’ve been created.
The promise of cold silence
of store fronts now laid bare.
2020 the year of the virus
of emptied streets everywhere.
Again, in your second stanza, I think you start out strong with the “Promise of cold silence” but miss the opportunity to follow through with “empty streets everywhere.” Also I think there should be a comma after 2020.
Tv screens flicker blue
to the box lose your brain.
The media hypes the fear
of the novel Covid strain.
In your third stanza I found myself scratching my head at “to the box lose your brain” I wasn’t sure if it was a grammar issue, or if you missed a word somewhere, but I didn’t understand the line.
In summary I would say your poem had the potential to be stronger than I thought it was. I think you could spend a little more time trying for some more unique phrasing. You definitely have the ability as in the lines I mentioned. I think you just need to carry it through to the rest of the poem.