Vanitas - edit3

[Knot]

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Hi duke,

if the time of day matters (and does it, really?), couldn't you include a reference in the first verse somewhere?

I don't think 'this day' does the job, and really should be 'today', while 'daytime headlights', as I suspect you know yourself, is very clunky. That said, searching ' 'daytime headlight' produces pages of 'running lights' - so maybe that instead?

they ride no more. Fender to fender

running-board to running-board they rest

this afternoon, round,

round in ways that seem

S1 - should there be a period after 'rest' (L4)? I really think the first 'round' should be 'Round'

S3 - 'brown old' ? 'old, brown' surely

Not sure you've quite nailed S2 - do you need 'of snow and rain' after 'decades' for instance? And I kind of miss the 'how could it just be rust' question. I don't think the rephrasing has that same melancholy. Rather more a piqued curiosity.

Best, Knot

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