08-07-2021, 10:39 PM
.
Hi duke,
Vanitas
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
- don't think you need 'lie all' (not sure that cars do 'lie' anyway). Are these 1930s era cars?
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender,
running-board to running-board
- these two descriptions seem at odds (back to front and side to side, so nine cars in two unequal rows?)
they rest round, round in ways
- don't buy the 'round, round' repetition. Maybe it's the punctuation.
yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth
- don't think 'chocolate' works that well here. Doesn't suggest the ravages of time, rather something comforting.
how could it just be rust? No elements
- not keen on the line break. But the anguished question is very nice.
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
- lost on 'kind' (this is a merciful fading away?) And 'they' seems to refer to elements. Also, given the preceding, that they show 'no glint of chrome' is obvious.
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
- weakest part for me duke. The diamonds cliché and the confusing 'sun-flashes' (the next part, with the broken light suggest, if not night, then dusk.)
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
- I think you could just lose this line. It's a bit 'editorial' and I think 'pride' is implicit in your tone throughout.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
- It doesn't feel like quite enough of a punchline. (And is it a reflection on the car, or the state of the roads?
)
Just a thought.
Down the road a sapphire Beamer
dismissively superior, gleaming
liquid luxury glides past
their row, Nine Airflow-era cars aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Running-board
to running-board, they rest, chrome
rounded carriages curved in ways
that seem no longer streamlined
yet they were, they are. Warm
chocolate-brown so uniform
and smooth - how could it just be rust?
No elements would be so kind.
but as traffic passes all their glass
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
But of [the beamers] cool quartz
headlights, only one is lit.
Best, Knot
.
Hi duke,
really enjoyed this vignette of 'faded glory', in fact, would have liked a bit more description/characterisation of the cars. (There must be some differences/distinctions between the nine cars, mustn't there?) Not quite sure you pulled off all the repetitions successfully (didn't quite sing, but close).
Vanitas
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
- don't think you need 'lie all' (not sure that cars do 'lie' anyway). Are these 1930s era cars?
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender,
running-board to running-board
- these two descriptions seem at odds (back to front and side to side, so nine cars in two unequal rows?)
they rest round, round in ways
- don't buy the 'round, round' repetition. Maybe it's the punctuation.
yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth
- don't think 'chocolate' works that well here. Doesn't suggest the ravages of time, rather something comforting.
how could it just be rust? No elements
- not keen on the line break. But the anguished question is very nice.
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
- lost on 'kind' (this is a merciful fading away?) And 'they' seems to refer to elements. Also, given the preceding, that they show 'no glint of chrome' is obvious.
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
- weakest part for me duke. The diamonds cliché and the confusing 'sun-flashes' (the next part, with the broken light suggest, if not night, then dusk.)
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
- I think you could just lose this line. It's a bit 'editorial' and I think 'pride' is implicit in your tone throughout.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
- It doesn't feel like quite enough of a punchline. (And is it a reflection on the car, or the state of the roads?
)Just a thought.
Down the road a sapphire Beamer
dismissively superior, gleaming
liquid luxury glides past
their row, Nine Airflow-era cars aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Running-board
to running-board, they rest, chrome
rounded carriages curved in ways
that seem no longer streamlined
yet they were, they are. Warm
chocolate-brown so uniform
and smooth - how could it just be rust?
No elements would be so kind.
but as traffic passes all their glass
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
But of [the beamers] cool quartz
headlights, only one is lit.
Best, Knot
.