Vanitas - edit3
#3
edit;

Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more.  Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust?  No elements
would be so kind.  They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.

Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.




Thanks for the good critique.  As I see it, "Airflow" remains a trademark (as, in a way, "Beamer" is).  Otherwise, changes to address some of the issues raised.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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Messages In This Thread
Vanitas - edit3 - by dukealien - 08-04-2021, 06:04 AM
RE: Vanitas - by TranquillityBase - 08-04-2021, 07:07 AM
RE: Vanitas - edit - by dukealien - 08-07-2021, 10:52 AM
RE: Vanitas - edit - by Knot - 08-07-2021, 10:39 PM
RE: Vanitas - edit2 - by dukealien - 08-09-2021, 10:21 PM
RE: Vanitas - edit2 - by Knot - 08-10-2021, 12:53 AM
RE: Vanitas - edit2 - by TranquillityBase - 08-10-2021, 09:35 AM
RE: Vanitas - edit2 - by Brian Roberts - 08-11-2021, 01:58 AM
RE: Vanitas - edit3 - by dukealien - 08-11-2021, 10:35 PM
RE: Vanitas - edit3 - by Knot - 08-12-2021, 03:04 AM



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