08-05-2021, 02:46 AM
Hey Tim-
The entire piece is predicated on the pay-off stanza at the end:
My audience applauded
for the the first
and last time.
Since it takes 4 stanzas to get there, that pay-off is diluted: sort of like a joke that's too long in the telling before hitting the punchline. Less lead-up, of course, means paring this one down so that the pay-off pops.
I'd also note that this reads like prose with line breaks, and it needs more of your talent for colorful language.
-- Mark
The entire piece is predicated on the pay-off stanza at the end:
My audience applauded
for the the first
and last time.
Since it takes 4 stanzas to get there, that pay-off is diluted: sort of like a joke that's too long in the telling before hitting the punchline. Less lead-up, of course, means paring this one down so that the pay-off pops.
I'd also note that this reads like prose with line breaks, and it needs more of your talent for colorful language.
-- Mark