07-29-2021, 04:53 PM
I loved reading this poem. It very much seemed like a montage in a coming-of-age movie right before the crisis of the movie hit, with Kiss Me by The Cranberries playing softly in the background
"We never talked about how we’d grow
to miss those coyote-nights,
lounging in amber moonlight,
or about the pain growing, somewhere, far off and center
but we talked until
sprinklers squelched the air—
dozens, dotting the green,
each ticking In break-neck rhythm.
The change was bigger than we knew."
I would maybe change this just a TINY bit by eliminating the space between "but we talked until/sprinklers squelched the air-" and putting "The change was bigger than we knew" as its own line, but it's really not a big deal
Also, re:
"Dew formed, and rose,
and formed, and rose."
I would maybe change so that each "formed, and rose" was separated to like
"Dew formed,
and rose,
and formed,
and rose"
Maybe it's just me but that better encapsulates that sort of chest rising/falling pattern of breathing
Overall I really liked it! Forgive me if this is insulting to you, but I'm getting strong Taylor Swift vibes from this, especially in relation to her songs August and Marjorie.
"We never talked about how we’d grow
to miss those coyote-nights,
lounging in amber moonlight,
or about the pain growing, somewhere, far off and center
but we talked until
sprinklers squelched the air—
dozens, dotting the green,
each ticking In break-neck rhythm.
The change was bigger than we knew."
I would maybe change this just a TINY bit by eliminating the space between "but we talked until/sprinklers squelched the air-" and putting "The change was bigger than we knew" as its own line, but it's really not a big deal
Also, re:
"Dew formed, and rose,
and formed, and rose."
I would maybe change so that each "formed, and rose" was separated to like
"Dew formed,
and rose,
and formed,
and rose"
Maybe it's just me but that better encapsulates that sort of chest rising/falling pattern of breathing
Overall I really liked it! Forgive me if this is insulting to you, but I'm getting strong Taylor Swift vibes from this, especially in relation to her songs August and Marjorie.