07-25-2021, 07:20 PM
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Hi Miley,
lots to like, but not the title and the golf references
Just a thought ...
we walked amongst the gifts of August:
rolling green, rolling golden
summer heat impressed
upon a/the dwindling twilight
Years before you tried to die,
a traveling dark
Dusted in fireflies,
bound tree line and sky.
and Suburbs softened,
whispered
on the hills,
then silence.
We spent our nights on the golf-course,
blue asphalt weaving through Bermuda grass,
the cart path sliding in and out of shadow.
We never talked about how we’d grow
to miss those coyote-nights,
lounging in amber moonlight,
or about the pain growing, somewhere,
far off and center
but we talked until ...................................'grow' then 'growing'?
sprinklers squelched the air—
dozens, dotting the green,
each ticking In break-neck rhythm.
The change was bigger than we knew.
Water swung itself in circles.
Trees lifted from their roots. .................... ?
Currents raked the rough, ......................... does one rake the rough (wouldn't that defeat its roughness?)
foaming around the banks of sandtraps. ........... this seems like a restatement of the previous verse, but better. Perhaps cut verse 5 entirely?
The fairway became a sink
With a par 4 drain, marked by a flag.
Dawn broke long ago.
Dew formed, and rose,
and formed, and rose.
and Songbirds picked apart the silence.
And all the things that didn’t change
sunk in the pit of the valley, ............... not entirely convinced by 'pit' but I think this makes for a better end line.
in the cup of the 18th hole.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Miley,
lots to like, but not the title and the golf references
Just a thought ...
we walked amongst the gifts of August:
rolling green, rolling golden
summer heat impressed
upon a/the dwindling twilight
Years before you tried to die,
a traveling dark
Dusted in fireflies,
bound tree line and sky.
and Suburbs softened,
whispered
on the hills,
then silence.
We spent our nights on the golf-course,
blue asphalt weaving through Bermuda grass,
the cart path sliding in and out of shadow.
We never talked about how we’d grow
to miss those coyote-nights,
lounging in amber moonlight,
or about the pain growing, somewhere,
far off and center
but we talked until ...................................'grow' then 'growing'?
sprinklers squelched the air—
dozens, dotting the green,
each ticking In break-neck rhythm.
The change was bigger than we knew.
Water swung itself in circles.
Trees lifted from their roots. .................... ?
Currents raked the rough, ......................... does one rake the rough (wouldn't that defeat its roughness?)
foaming around the banks of sandtraps. ........... this seems like a restatement of the previous verse, but better. Perhaps cut verse 5 entirely?
The fairway became a sink
With a par 4 drain, marked by a flag.
Dawn broke long ago.
Dew formed, and rose,
and formed, and rose.
and Songbirds picked apart the silence.
And all the things that didn’t change
sunk in the pit of the valley, ............... not entirely convinced by 'pit' but I think this makes for a better end line.
in the cup of the 18th hole.
Best, Knot
.