07-20-2021, 12:55 AM
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Hi TqB,
an interesting (and good, I think) revision. A sort of surreal wild west reenactment?
Not keen on the short lines. So ...
In the town of Brokeplate the pleasures are few
dry lightning exhales ........ bit too early for a non-sequitur, for me at least. the dead and the lewd.
They dance up a gale, then stand in a gang .... who's dancing? The 'pleasures', or 'the dead and the lewd'?
and scream at the night. Flickering lanterns hang
from a gallows so bright forming rainbows of hate. ...... why is the gallows bright (and if it's bright, why does it need lanterns?) and what's forming the rainbows?
Its church is bled static where the decomposed sing
and the town’s only whore sheds her skin every spring
while toads wait at her door. .... the previous line suggests she does this in the church. So at which door are the toads waiting?
Morse code has been banned but the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command. Feral hogs do sums
in a blackboarded attic. ...... where's the attic?
The town boss is synthetic made out of scraps of lice,
bent aces and gin. He shoots bullets of ice
at targets without sin. ......... why? for fun? And what are the 'targets'? The town's rather empty.
His voice is like thunder if only he’d speak,
but instead he just wonders who is the real freak
and what is “aesthetic”?
The town’s main attraction is a cowboy inocente
who every ugly dawn, rides in looking happy
an unordained pawn ......... not keen on this, maybe 'and searching for a name'?
carrying flowers and a glow. But the boss is a shark .... 'shark' is a bit modern, isn't it?
at the game of G0-No-Go, cowboy’s eyes fall dark ......... feels like you skipped a step here
without a moment’s distraction.
Brokeplate’s dysfunction circles a western sun
a planet of recurrence where reason is spun
out of occurrence. ............. not keen on dysfunction (bit too on the nose), and this verse might be better earlier in the poem (even at the beginning)
Cowboy is buried only for fun, he’ll be back
tomorrow just as lonely without hesitation or slack, ........ slack?
to meet at the junction .......... to meet who, the boss? In which case,
to meet him once again
at the junction of sunrise and sunset
and ...
of sunrise and sunset ........... like the 'junction of sunrise and sunset'
and that is as far as he’ll get. .... maybe 'this' for 'that'?
I think it lacks a bit of the colour of the original (the names, though ideally better ones
), and the saloon scene in particular. Also, it jumps a bit too often, for me, for instance from the church to the whore (so that neither feels well developed/described). Is the church full or empty, who's the preacher, etc., What's the rush?
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
an interesting (and good, I think) revision. A sort of surreal wild west reenactment?
Not keen on the short lines. So ...
In the town of Brokeplate the pleasures are few
dry lightning exhales ........ bit too early for a non-sequitur, for me at least. the dead and the lewd.
They dance up a gale, then stand in a gang .... who's dancing? The 'pleasures', or 'the dead and the lewd'?
and scream at the night. Flickering lanterns hang
from a gallows so bright forming rainbows of hate. ...... why is the gallows bright (and if it's bright, why does it need lanterns?) and what's forming the rainbows?
Its church is bled static where the decomposed sing
and the town’s only whore sheds her skin every spring
while toads wait at her door. .... the previous line suggests she does this in the church. So at which door are the toads waiting?
Morse code has been banned but the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command. Feral hogs do sums
in a blackboarded attic. ...... where's the attic?
The town boss is synthetic made out of scraps of lice,
bent aces and gin. He shoots bullets of ice
at targets without sin. ......... why? for fun? And what are the 'targets'? The town's rather empty.
His voice is like thunder if only he’d speak,
but instead he just wonders who is the real freak
and what is “aesthetic”?
The town’s main attraction is a cowboy inocente
who every ugly dawn, rides in looking happy
an unordained pawn ......... not keen on this, maybe 'and searching for a name'?
carrying flowers and a glow. But the boss is a shark .... 'shark' is a bit modern, isn't it?
at the game of G0-No-Go, cowboy’s eyes fall dark ......... feels like you skipped a step here
without a moment’s distraction.
Brokeplate’s dysfunction circles a western sun
a planet of recurrence where reason is spun
out of occurrence. ............. not keen on dysfunction (bit too on the nose), and this verse might be better earlier in the poem (even at the beginning)
Cowboy is buried only for fun, he’ll be back
tomorrow just as lonely without hesitation or slack, ........ slack?
to meet at the junction .......... to meet who, the boss? In which case,
to meet him once again
at the junction of sunrise and sunset
and ...
of sunrise and sunset ........... like the 'junction of sunrise and sunset'
and that is as far as he’ll get. .... maybe 'this' for 'that'?
I think it lacks a bit of the colour of the original (the names, though ideally better ones
), and the saloon scene in particular. Also, it jumps a bit too often, for me, for instance from the church to the whore (so that neither feels well developed/described). Is the church full or empty, who's the preacher, etc., What's the rush?Best, Knot
.