07-18-2021, 04:17 PM
Hello TranquiltyBase, hope all is well.
First, consider breaking up into some stanzas, as another also mentioned its rambling nature. Stanza break-up can give it a breather for the reader.
In the town of Perplexity
lightning creates thirst
play-piercing the complexity (is there a way that you can describe perplexity and complexity without doing all the work for the reader and just saying it? Is this need to tell the reader it is complex and perplex essential if you intend to show it? what is play-piercing?)
of the patently condemned (not connecting the use of patently here)
who race to be first
to wave invisible limbs
and ward off the eyes
whose pupils are coyotes (repetative)
lacquered with lies. (why the use of lacquered as opposed to another word to denote being full of something?)
Inside the Bone Char
a pink neon saloon
built out of blood-stains
of twilight and sin,
Candyman is relapsing (cliche name)
his face is collapsing (two awkward "is"s; also again with what I mentioned earlier, maybe instead of describing literally actions or adjectives -- 'relapsing, collapsing', maybe you want to show them, else it is doing a lot of work for the reader.)
into four aces and a grin.
Outside in the street
his bullet-faced son (i wonder what bullet-faced is)
Cotton-eyed Joe (this is a cliche name)
traces hearts in the sand (i like this imagery)
and counts out the rings
of detonations and gin. (from explosive gin?)
Candy and Joe run things
as they care to displease, ('care to displease' show do not reveal)
keeping an elephant in the brothel (interesting even if i am not getting why there is this metaphor/image)
ant-hills up their sleeves. (again interesting even if i am not connecting the metaphor)
Feral hogs keep the peace (interesting use of paradox imagery, even though i do not know what the intention is)
church hymns sound like (are) static
and the town’s only whore
is one-eyed but not tragic. (again, suggestion not to reveal, but show)
Though morse code is banned
the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command
and it's a favorite abode (where is the favorite abode?)
for hangmen to gather
wearing fezzes and robes
they dance the Hereafter.
If you want to tune in
to this alchemical age
sharpen your lips
and curl up your rage.
Smoke it or snuff it,
it’s all up to you
but the cemetery is off-limits
to all but the few
for a recipe God only knew--
special ingredients
for slumgullion stew.
---
Bottom line is many places where you are simply describing the event to the reader could be rendered into imagery instead (which you do have some imagery). The imagery should be telling as if a child perhaps could get it, yet not be cliche at the same time. I know, perhaps not so simple. That being said, I feel as if I've only gotten an introduction to something, that nothing really lifted off the ground. Is this the intention? Is there more to this series?
I hope this helps,
Adam
First, consider breaking up into some stanzas, as another also mentioned its rambling nature. Stanza break-up can give it a breather for the reader.
In the town of Perplexity
lightning creates thirst
play-piercing the complexity (is there a way that you can describe perplexity and complexity without doing all the work for the reader and just saying it? Is this need to tell the reader it is complex and perplex essential if you intend to show it? what is play-piercing?)
of the patently condemned (not connecting the use of patently here)
who race to be first
to wave invisible limbs
and ward off the eyes
whose pupils are coyotes (repetative)
lacquered with lies. (why the use of lacquered as opposed to another word to denote being full of something?)
Inside the Bone Char
a pink neon saloon
built out of blood-stains
of twilight and sin,
Candyman is relapsing (cliche name)
his face is collapsing (two awkward "is"s; also again with what I mentioned earlier, maybe instead of describing literally actions or adjectives -- 'relapsing, collapsing', maybe you want to show them, else it is doing a lot of work for the reader.)
into four aces and a grin.
Outside in the street
his bullet-faced son (i wonder what bullet-faced is)
Cotton-eyed Joe (this is a cliche name)
traces hearts in the sand (i like this imagery)
and counts out the rings
of detonations and gin. (from explosive gin?)
Candy and Joe run things
as they care to displease, ('care to displease' show do not reveal)
keeping an elephant in the brothel (interesting even if i am not getting why there is this metaphor/image)
ant-hills up their sleeves. (again interesting even if i am not connecting the metaphor)
Feral hogs keep the peace (interesting use of paradox imagery, even though i do not know what the intention is)
church hymns sound like (are) static
and the town’s only whore
is one-eyed but not tragic. (again, suggestion not to reveal, but show)
Though morse code is banned
the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command
and it's a favorite abode (where is the favorite abode?)
for hangmen to gather
wearing fezzes and robes
they dance the Hereafter.
If you want to tune in
to this alchemical age
sharpen your lips
and curl up your rage.
Smoke it or snuff it,
it’s all up to you
but the cemetery is off-limits
to all but the few
for a recipe God only knew--
special ingredients
for slumgullion stew.
---
Bottom line is many places where you are simply describing the event to the reader could be rendered into imagery instead (which you do have some imagery). The imagery should be telling as if a child perhaps could get it, yet not be cliche at the same time. I know, perhaps not so simple. That being said, I feel as if I've only gotten an introduction to something, that nothing really lifted off the ground. Is this the intention? Is there more to this series?
I hope this helps,
Adam