07-16-2021, 10:44 PM
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Hi TqB,
liked the title, then I got to the end (and it didn't work for me. Perhaps because, by then, I wanted to know more about C and C-EJ - couldn't you have come up with better names?).
Lots of elements that kept me interested - it's got all the makings of a strong ballad - but it ended up being a bit too 'rambling' for me, and when, toward the finish, you started addressing the audience I rather lost interest.
Just some cut and paste thoughts
(no attempt made to maintain your rhythm/rhymes).
In the town of Perplexity
lightning creates thirst
church hymns sound like static
and the town’s only whore
is one-eyed but not tragic.
Though morse code is has been banned
there but the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command
Seven Feral hogs were hired
to keep the peace
but the cemetery is off-limits
to all but the few
the Mayor says he and God
are getting the ingredients
for a recipe God only knew
special ingredients
for a slumgullion stew. ............. if this (the stew) is the conceit, it really needs to pay off.
Tonight Inside the Bonne Char
a neon pink saloon ......................... given what follows 'neon pink' seem odd. Maybe 'two story saloon'?
built out of blood-stains
of and twilight and sin
Candyman is relapsing
his sour face is collapsing
into four aces and a grin. .............. really want more of this character (and who's he playing with/against?)
Outside in the street
his bullet-faced son
Cotton-eyed Joe
traces hearts in the sand ............. sand?
and counts out the rings
of detonations and gin. .............. again, more of the character
Candy and Joe run things ........ makes me want a different name for Candyman.
as they care to displease,
keeping an elephant in the brothel
ant-hills up their sleeves.......... neither the elephant or the ant hill feel very western.
and it’s a favorite abode
for hangmen to gather
wearing fezzes and robes ........ 'fezzes and robes' seem out of place. Why them?
they dance the Hereafter.
If you want to tune in
to this alchemical age
sharpen your lips
and curl up your rage.
Smoke it or snuff it,
it’s all up to you
It would be nice if any of those elements I moved to the beginning actually paid off towards the end.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
liked the title, then I got to the end (and it didn't work for me. Perhaps because, by then, I wanted to know more about C and C-EJ - couldn't you have come up with better names?).
Lots of elements that kept me interested - it's got all the makings of a strong ballad - but it ended up being a bit too 'rambling' for me, and when, toward the finish, you started addressing the audience I rather lost interest.
Just some cut and paste thoughts
(no attempt made to maintain your rhythm/rhymes).
In the town of Perplexity
lightning creates thirst
church hymns sound like static
and the town’s only whore
is one-eyed but not tragic.
Though morse code is has been banned
there but the telegraph hums
at a scorpion’s command
Seven Feral hogs were hired
to keep the peace
but the cemetery is off-limits
to all but the few
the Mayor says he and God
are getting the ingredients
for a recipe God only knew
special ingredients
for a slumgullion stew. ............. if this (the stew) is the conceit, it really needs to pay off.
Tonight Inside the Bonne Char
a neon pink saloon ......................... given what follows 'neon pink' seem odd. Maybe 'two story saloon'?
built out of blood-stains
of and twilight and sin
Candyman is relapsing
his sour face is collapsing
into four aces and a grin. .............. really want more of this character (and who's he playing with/against?)
Outside in the street
his bullet-faced son
Cotton-eyed Joe
traces hearts in the sand ............. sand?
and counts out the rings
of detonations and gin. .............. again, more of the character
Candy and Joe run things ........ makes me want a different name for Candyman.
as they care to displease,
keeping an elephant in the brothel
ant-hills up their sleeves.......... neither the elephant or the ant hill feel very western.
and it’s a favorite abode
for hangmen to gather
wearing fezzes and robes ........ 'fezzes and robes' seem out of place. Why them?
they dance the Hereafter.
If you want to tune in
to this alchemical age
sharpen your lips
and curl up your rage.
Smoke it or snuff it,
it’s all up to you
It would be nice if any of those elements I moved to the beginning actually paid off towards the end.
Best, Knot
.