07-13-2021, 11:13 PM
[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='253696' dateline='1626163697']
Hi Brian,
Title: I was unsure how you are using "Amourette". I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.
Poem itself:
I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines. Something like this:
In vesper’s curt caress
there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim
or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron
we stirred swamps
We hyperventilated hurricanes
Cajoled embraces, arrogated
from your groom and registry
and welling eyes; drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss,
we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed
the telescopic murk
a trough where genuflections
might could reach;
You spun away to opium dens,
supine, I could not trace who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving
even a toe’s wake- again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off
But in your swirl
you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate
your wraith by dream,
concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow
soft trained tress-
drapes gaped drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though
distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems
the bends of life
Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.
So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.
All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem. I like the denseness of the imagery. It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem. And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.
Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits.
Hi Brian,
Title: I was unsure how you are using "Amourette". I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.
Poem itself:
I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines. Something like this:
In vesper’s curt caress
there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim
or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron
we stirred swamps
We hyperventilated hurricanes
Cajoled embraces, arrogated
from your groom and registry
and welling eyes; drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss,
we buzzed God's prayer vault.
We even deemed
the telescopic murk
a trough where genuflections
might could reach;
You spun away to opium dens,
supine, I could not trace who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving
even a toe’s wake- again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off
But in your swirl
you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.
Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate
your wraith by dream,
concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow
soft trained tress-
drapes gaped drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though
distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems
the bends of life
Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.
So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.
All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem. I like the denseness of the imagery. It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem. And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.
Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits.