Venus Speed Trap

[TranquillityBase]

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Hi Tqb,
enjoyed the read.
Some suggestions


soul-stained and monkey-wrenched, ........ love the line, think it should be the opening.
I feel like a bug ......................................... given all that follows 'feel' seems out of place. 'am'?
smashed on the windshield of Eros. ........ any way to get 'Eros' into the title?

across it my dried ghosts ......................... could be phrased better, I think (alongside all of my dried ghosts /which colllude ... ?)
collude to the clarity ............................... collude to ?
of an illusory Eden. ................................ not keen on Eden after Eros, get your mythologies straight!

Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe me away, no matter,
[Reborn] I aim myself again

and forever at that point ...................... this seems the same as the kamikaze to consummation idea.
of no return. Better to
succumb to the obliteration

than fly into the impossible sun. ....... Sun? Where'd that come from? (And to, thrice in three lines?)


Which all trranslates to

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched
and feeling like a bug
smashed on the windshield

where all my dried up ghosts
collude to the clarity
of this illusory Eden

You can dissolve me
with your chemicals, wash me
away, no matter

I will be reborn
and aim myself again
and forever at that point

of no return.  It is better
to succumb to that obliteration
than fly into the impossible sun.



Best, Knot


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Thanks Knot.  I decided to be....blunt.  So, while I admire your distillation, I'm going go for something I think is more direct....maybe.  If that doesn't seem to work, well, I'm getting pretty amenable to this revision business.