Draft 5: Always Space

[Knot]

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Hi alexorande,
improved with each revision.

If we all leave for boba tea as the adults
sing on the karaoke, we could hear their echoes
[surrender] to a choir of croaking frogs ............................'croaking' doesn't add anything to 'frogs'
I liked the specificity of the U2 lyric in the
earlier versions, shame it's gone.

while a petrichor accompanies us on our walk .............'a petrichor' seems a little off key.
and runoff murmurs absently beneath the streets
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We would be carried by our laughter---sometimes
interrupted by the dance of warmly streetlit ghosts ......'warmly streetlit' doesn't work, and 'ghosts of gnats' seems excessive.
of gnats---to a plaza where convenience stores,

We could be carried by our laughter to a plaza
where convenience stores, and [take aways],
a Filipino market and [any alternative to repeating 'boba'?]

yield fluorescence to our reflections
passing in softly rippling puddles
and interruptions of [?] of streetlit gnats

today, those stores are overgrown with sticker weeds .... why 'today'?
and thistle. They loom as one vacant edifice
that brimmed steady streams of silence .......................... should this be present tense, 'brims'?

into our estrangement; yet, that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, ....................................can't reconcile 'crystalised in rain' with 'petrichor' (in terms of time/timings)
remains in that familiar darkness between two

worlds, where there is always space for us.


Best, Knot


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