07-06-2021, 06:02 AM
Hey Tim-
Hope you're enjoying your independence.
Young hawks cry hunger. good start
Abandoned like the full moon, How about "as a new moon" instead? The new moon does appear a bit abandoned. At least to me it does; a full moon, not so much. That, plus, "young/new" kinda go together. Since the hawks are probably crying out for food, that makes "full" an even iffier choice.
they mutter and sigh. You know me and sound... First they "cry", then they "mutter and sigh"- sounds like mixed messages. There must be a sound that they make that can be conveyed in 5 syllables. Crows seems to mutter (but not sigh), but hawks? I'm afraid that the feathers fall off of this one at the final 7 syllables.
If not sound, than an image describing where the sound seems to come from; the branches, or trees that they're in.
You also know me as one who says that these short pieces can be deadly difficult, and this one is one of those.
I know what you're going for. Getting there is the hard part.
All that said, I really do appreciate this effort, Tim.
Thanks !
Mark
Hope you're enjoying your independence.
Young hawks cry hunger. good start
Abandoned like the full moon, How about "as a new moon" instead? The new moon does appear a bit abandoned. At least to me it does; a full moon, not so much. That, plus, "young/new" kinda go together. Since the hawks are probably crying out for food, that makes "full" an even iffier choice.
they mutter and sigh. You know me and sound... First they "cry", then they "mutter and sigh"- sounds like mixed messages. There must be a sound that they make that can be conveyed in 5 syllables. Crows seems to mutter (but not sigh), but hawks? I'm afraid that the feathers fall off of this one at the final 7 syllables.
If not sound, than an image describing where the sound seems to come from; the branches, or trees that they're in.
You also know me as one who says that these short pieces can be deadly difficult, and this one is one of those.
I know what you're going for. Getting there is the hard part.
All that said, I really do appreciate this effort, Tim.
Thanks !
Mark