07-02-2021, 11:13 AM
Flagthrower,Welcome to the site,
everyone is waiting and working
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries (cliche, but allowable)
on their lips. (cliche)
kiss the memories of summer goodbye (somewhat cliche: see "The Fantastics -Kiss the Day Goodbye")
with the crack of a gun (also a cliche)
that someone pulled from their holster. (unnecessary and does not add anything)
but i will go on (see Titanic, or rather the song)
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar - (full stop or maybe a semicolon)
they are perfection. (Maybe just "perfect".)
If "holster" (which is generic) is included to signify this is a cop's gun it doesn't do that. It would be better saying: "with the crack of a cops gun." Otherwise just leave line six off as it doesn't add anything and it disrupts the reading.
Please use correct typography. Not using capitols signifies nothing and is purely affectation, plus it makes the reading more difficult.
I think this is a good topic to explore, but all the cliches make it seem stale. Of course cliche could be used to point out White Privilege as it is unthinking, but that is not done here.
best
dale
everyone is waiting and working
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries (cliche, but allowable)
on their lips. (cliche)
kiss the memories of summer goodbye (somewhat cliche: see "The Fantastics -Kiss the Day Goodbye")
with the crack of a gun (also a cliche)
that someone pulled from their holster. (unnecessary and does not add anything)
but i will go on (see Titanic, or rather the song)
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar - (full stop or maybe a semicolon)
they are perfection. (Maybe just "perfect".)
If "holster" (which is generic) is included to signify this is a cop's gun it doesn't do that. It would be better saying: "with the crack of a cops gun." Otherwise just leave line six off as it doesn't add anything and it disrupts the reading.
Please use correct typography. Not using capitols signifies nothing and is purely affectation, plus it makes the reading more difficult.
I think this is a good topic to explore, but all the cliches make it seem stale. Of course cliche could be used to point out White Privilege as it is unthinking, but that is not done here.
best
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.