07-02-2021, 09:03 AM
(07-01-2021, 09:31 AM)flagthrower Wrote: Privilege (working title)
everyone is waiting and working
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries I'd suggest something more evocative than just "sweet"
on their lips.
instead of "everyone", a simple "we are..." maybe? "waiting and working" are they perhaps "working at waiting"? anyway, linked with an "and" those two things seem contradictory
kiss the memories of summer goodbye
with the crack of a gun
that someone pulled from their holster.
seems like it would be more effective if the holster should come first, (the someone needs to be specified), and
"kiss the memories...." should come as last line in stanza. That said, first two lines of the stanza are my favorites.
but i will go on
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar - excellent image
they are perfection. how is it perfection?
Hi flagthrower,
This is an interesting read. As another member often reminds us (where are you Mark Becker?) short poems are the most difficult. But you have a strong short poem here, if you can sharpen it up a bit. Thanks for letting us see it.