07-02-2021, 06:53 AM
everyone is waiting and working
Play with the working. Or play with waiting or working. Together with the or.
Who is working? Who is waiting for a check? Maybe waiting for the man?
Someone is doing something. Things. Why?
Is a gunshot going to change all that?
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries
on their lips.
To savor the taste of berries?
Don't put too many words in someone's reading mouth. Unless you need to do.
Strawberries are an image, that's true enough. There's a color you're planting among other associations. Sweet and taste are evident. What else could you do with those lines, in rhythm and content, without being redundant?
kiss the memories of summer goodbye
This poem is too slight for such an everyday expression. Contentwise. It's summer right now, after all. For me, anyway.
Somebody gets shot every day. To make something as trivial as gun violence expunge an entire season requires a grander rhetoric. Especially if you're viewing things literally.
with the crack of a gun
that someone pulled from their holster.
but i will go on
If you ask a question: Will I go on slowly dipping berries . . . ? You can save it a little from the reductionist pit.
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -
they are perfection.
The last line has appropriate coldness. The poem itself has no irony, no context to hold or guide other than topical fluff, no effect.
What can be done?
The owls are not what they seem.
Play with the working. Or play with waiting or working. Together with the or.
Who is working? Who is waiting for a check? Maybe waiting for the man?
Someone is doing something. Things. Why?
Is a gunshot going to change all that?
to savor the sweet taste of strawberries
on their lips.
To savor the taste of berries?
Don't put too many words in someone's reading mouth. Unless you need to do.
Strawberries are an image, that's true enough. There's a color you're planting among other associations. Sweet and taste are evident. What else could you do with those lines, in rhythm and content, without being redundant?
kiss the memories of summer goodbye
This poem is too slight for such an everyday expression. Contentwise. It's summer right now, after all. For me, anyway.
Somebody gets shot every day. To make something as trivial as gun violence expunge an entire season requires a grander rhetoric. Especially if you're viewing things literally.
with the crack of a gun
that someone pulled from their holster.
but i will go on
If you ask a question: Will I go on slowly dipping berries . . . ? You can save it a little from the reductionist pit.
slowly dipping berries in a little blue box of sugar -
they are perfection.
The last line has appropriate coldness. The poem itself has no irony, no context to hold or guide other than topical fluff, no effect.
What can be done?
The owls are not what they seem.