06-28-2021, 01:07 PM
I'm not sure which version is which. The first version seems more clear, but the conditional nature of both weaken the poem. I am referring to the: "We could" or "We will leave", instead of just "we leave for". There are also some grammatical and typographical problems as well. I'll do a bit of editing on the first stanza to demonstrate a more immediate take.
We leave for boba tea as the adults
sing karaoke: hearing their echoes
return in a choir of croaking frogs.
Petrichor accompanies us on our walk,
murmuring beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors. (I don't know how a petichor can murmur or be beneath the street.)
Also "and" never needs a coma.
There is some freshness about this but it seems overwhelmed by the grammar and typographical problems.
best,
dale
We leave for boba tea as the adults
sing karaoke: hearing their echoes
return in a choir of croaking frogs.
Petrichor accompanies us on our walk,
murmuring beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors. (I don't know how a petichor can murmur or be beneath the street.)
Also "and" never needs a coma.
There is some freshness about this but it seems overwhelmed by the grammar and typographical problems.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.