06-25-2021, 09:41 AM
I am loving the feelings this evokes - a sort of universal nostalgic youthfulness. “The adults” gives this the feeling of describing a whole different world - I would love to see an expansion on that theme of the world of childhood being different somehow.
We could all leave for boba tea as the adults
sing on the karaoke, and hear their echoes
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, [really amazing imagery, i can hear the frogs] and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.
[your reference to petrichor is interesting - i have never seen “a” used before it. is it the smell of rainy earth that is murmuring beneath the street? i’m not sure about a smell murmuring].
And we would be carried, under streetlights [an adjective would be good here],
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle. [i am interested in how the plaza looked before it was overgrown. this stanza feels like it could be expanded].
Those stores [what stores? are there memories of a specific one? what did you do there?] now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence which estranged us [confused by this phrasing - is the building diffusing the silence? how so?]; yet,
that moment, crystallized [good word choice] in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness between two worlds [great callback to the beginning],
where there is always space for us. [would love to know who “us” is - friends? siblings? cousins?]
We could all leave for boba tea as the adults
sing on the karaoke, and hear their echoes
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, [really amazing imagery, i can hear the frogs] and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.
[your reference to petrichor is interesting - i have never seen “a” used before it. is it the smell of rainy earth that is murmuring beneath the street? i’m not sure about a smell murmuring].
And we would be carried, under streetlights [an adjective would be good here],
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle. [i am interested in how the plaza looked before it was overgrown. this stanza feels like it could be expanded].
Those stores [what stores? are there memories of a specific one? what did you do there?] now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence which estranged us [confused by this phrasing - is the building diffusing the silence? how so?]; yet,
that moment, crystallized [good word choice] in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness between two worlds [great callback to the beginning],
where there is always space for us. [would love to know who “us” is - friends? siblings? cousins?]