Show me the bricks

[micah3801]

I enjoy the frustrated rant-like rhythm of this piece, but I do think a little paring could help get the point across more. I had an orchestra conductor that i feel was similar in nature to your past employer-everything was possible, but the path there was often dreamy and without substance. Frustrating, for sure (especially where national competition standings are involved). Below are some in-line thoughts. overall, i think your resonating energy, which is definitely there, could be even clearer with a slightly more minimalistic approach. 
i also think the overall rhythm of the wording of this piece could use a more definitive punctuation scheme, with more periods. just a thought though. 

Foreword: I think this text originates from a frustration I have with a past employer, who is very disorganized and inefficient. This text has, to me, a resonating energy which hides the requirement to pay attention to choices of syntax, rhythm, etc. Also I composed it today, hence I did not wait to reflect on it before posting (a grave error, I suppose). In other words, you may, and I may later, see this text as worthy of the bin. But something nags me, that this actually echoes what we often silently feel about so many situations.


So you want to build a house? this may be my young age showing, but this is maybe a little close for comfort to a certain disney song. i dont think the line should be thrown out completely, but perhaps not one to begin with. depends on audience, of course
Don't tell me about the houses next door
How yours will be bigger 
Don't tell me you have the best team in town 
Don't tell me what you will do with the house, i like the Don'ts but i think the repetition is maybe overdone slightly. I think some of the Don't lines could come out to help paring down the piece as a whole 
How you will paint it,
Or how many windows you want
Don't tell me about future parties particularly like this image of parties...could go into this more. what kinds of parties? unrealistic dreamers often go further into their dreams than just "parties"
Don't show me your early drawings 
Don't tell me that you need a house because you need a house i understand where this line comes from but i think it reads a bit off in context 
Don't show me furniture
Don't tell me it will be safe
No always a fan of a single line No 
Show me the bricks, agree with mark that this could be a beginning, as long as you go to the detriments of the dream house rather quickly
or stones or mud or wood.
Show me the man mixing concrete or sand,
and tell me why foundations are slanted
Teach me about issues and the pain the issues?
And the mistakes you made
Show me your first wall,
and how it stands against everything
Don't tell me you're stuck
Show me options A, B and C,
Tell me about the roof and I will see your impatience,
your energy and your attempts,
I can see the story
Show me that you're real, enjoying the hint that the person is fake/a dream, not just the house 
that the house won't be just a dream.

Thank you for the read!