Lockdown edit 2 and fro!

[Knot]

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Hi newbie,
not sure either revision is a step forward,
but then I really liked the opening line of the original.


So, if you'll allow a step back (but hopefully not backwards)


Even the dug knows we're not compatible.
How can sideways looks from your year old rescue,
splayed in one of his countless hair shedding comfort zones,
mean so much?

I slink out to the garden
tail between my legs
for the all too frequent cigar
and drink. Fuck it.
My space, I say

I'll build a fucking bar out here
Countless hours staring at the weeds
Not that they bother me
natures misunderstood
non conforming
thriving in our absence.

It's been a year and a half to forget .
A key worker. Every other zooming cunt
with the luxury work from home.
Applause ........................................'sighs'?
This could be the best time of my life

But for my children? .........................................I find this section very confusing.
and the memories of a half filled parentage
no vow of mine will have that.
All thoughts in the world don't excuse a parents' purpose .
A garden bar won't solve this problem,
plough what you will into it. ........................... like these last two lines.

I wilt back indoors, Where my doubts can smoulder ........is 'smoulder' building on 'cigar'? Like 'wilt'.
where the happiness must lie
A jab in the arm
some panacea

And only the dug they wanted knows what's what ... like the return of the dug, but maybe there's a stronger ending to be had?


Biggest problem, for me, was I wasn't sure who the 'we're' at the beginning was (didn't/doesn't seem likely it refers to the children at the end).


Best, Knot



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