06-05-2021, 04:24 AM
I like the tightened version TqB,
‘aching cousins’ still stands out for me, perhaps it’s the connotation of cancer I read into it. The image that it touches all of us. I may be miles out but that’s how I read it!
A waltz (replacing tango) might better reflect the cycle of addiction with its round and round nature.
Would it benefit from a space after ‘shag and shadow’?
Could ‘directions’ lose the s?
Also
‘I meet death in my pipe
It’s as simple as that’
might tighten this further/harder hitting?
Apologies but I don’t quite know how to edit ‘in poem’ yet if you get my drift. I am a dinosaur with technology!
Newbie
‘aching cousins’ still stands out for me, perhaps it’s the connotation of cancer I read into it. The image that it touches all of us. I may be miles out but that’s how I read it!
A waltz (replacing tango) might better reflect the cycle of addiction with its round and round nature.
Would it benefit from a space after ‘shag and shadow’?
Could ‘directions’ lose the s?
Also
‘I meet death in my pipe
It’s as simple as that’
might tighten this further/harder hitting?
Apologies but I don’t quite know how to edit ‘in poem’ yet if you get my drift. I am a dinosaur with technology!
Newbie