06-03-2021, 08:30 PM
Sorry for the icky formatting, i'll get the hang of it soon
I put death in my pipe
and smoked it.
It’s as simple as that. <--love this line, hits like a punch. i wonder if you'd want to end there? it would change the feel of the piece (now, the ending is less ending and more beginning the cycle again, this would be more of a concrete end but possibly more emotionally effective depending on what you're going for)
Fuses of tobacco braid strands of nicotine <--i like the way this feels in my mouth but i do wonder how fuses can braid?
inside my deathless brain, <--the two "death"s in this line and the next read a bit too repetitive for me, i would get rid of this one.
hurdy-gurdy death waits around the corner
with all his aching cousins. <--*snaps*
I stroll the streets of invisible derelicts
and listen to the crickets for directions <-- Love Love this line
but death leads nowhere
except to an empty pipe
that whistles for the next pinch
of shag and shadow.
beyond changing the ending by moving the first 3 lines here, i might also consider repeating lines 1-3 here at the end. would change the cyclical nature of the poem to be a little more obvious but i do love the idea of ending on "its as simple as that."
I put death in my pipe
and smoked it.
It’s as simple as that. <--love this line, hits like a punch. i wonder if you'd want to end there? it would change the feel of the piece (now, the ending is less ending and more beginning the cycle again, this would be more of a concrete end but possibly more emotionally effective depending on what you're going for)
Fuses of tobacco braid strands of nicotine <--i like the way this feels in my mouth but i do wonder how fuses can braid?
inside my deathless brain, <--the two "death"s in this line and the next read a bit too repetitive for me, i would get rid of this one.
hurdy-gurdy death waits around the corner
with all his aching cousins. <--*snaps*
I stroll the streets of invisible derelicts
and listen to the crickets for directions <-- Love Love this line
but death leads nowhere
except to an empty pipe
that whistles for the next pinch
of shag and shadow.
beyond changing the ending by moving the first 3 lines here, i might also consider repeating lines 1-3 here at the end. would change the cyclical nature of the poem to be a little more obvious but i do love the idea of ending on "its as simple as that."