Lockdown edit 2 and fro!
#8
(05-30-2021, 01:05 PM)newbie Wrote:  The dog knows.
Held prisoner by the despondent eyes of
our rescue
I escape to my garden
with a contraband of cigars and alcohol              just "with contraband of cigars and alcohol". (just dropped the "a")

Garden pubs occupy my thoughts                      what about "My thoughts occupy garden pubs" instead?
embargoed beer with friends
gathering freely with a reignited liberty              "in" instead of "with a" ?
I exhale at the weeds
they thrive in our absence                                 "that"
natures non conformers                                    nature's

From my garden I concede indoors                    I don't think "concede" works here.  "surrender"?  
an acquiescing hostage hold                              acquiescent ?
where doubts smoulder
and happiness lies                                           "and happiness must lie"  (I liked the resistance to this conclusion in the original so I added the "must")
The dog knows a lockdown when he sees it.
Hi again newbie, this is quite a rewrite.  I miss the plain speaking of the original but this is a good distillation and reads as such.
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Messages In This Thread
Lockdown edit 2 and fro! - by newbie - 05-30-2021, 01:05 PM
RE: Lockdown - by Mark A Becker - 05-30-2021, 10:03 PM
RE: Lockdown - by newbie - 05-30-2021, 10:54 PM
RE: Lockdown - by TranquillityBase - 05-31-2021, 04:11 AM
RE: Lockdown - by newbie - 05-31-2021, 06:45 PM
RE: Lockdown - by TranquillityBase - 05-31-2021, 08:59 PM
RE: Lockdown - by newbie - 05-31-2021, 09:32 PM
RE: Lockdown (edit) - by TranquillityBase - 06-01-2021, 09:58 PM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 - by newbie - 06-03-2021, 04:06 AM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 - by TranquillityBase - 06-04-2021, 08:09 AM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 and fro! - by Quixilated - 06-07-2021, 06:03 AM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 and fro! - by CRNDLSM - 06-07-2021, 08:54 AM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 and fro! - by Knot - 06-07-2021, 10:16 PM
RE: Lockdown edit 2 and fro! - by newbie - 06-08-2021, 06:18 PM



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