The African Plain (edit)

[Knot]

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Hi TqB,
it don't think the edits has really improved the piece. Too tame, and it no longer reads as well as the original did. Out of curiosity, do you read your poems aloud? I find it helps.

Still an issue with hay (or straw), one is fodder (which doesn't really work with the image you're drawing) the other is bedding (which, arguably, does).

The different types of lists (L1-3 vs L4-5) don't work that well together (pick a side and stick to it )

'reciprocal' seems to give away the 'exhibit' ending .

How do things 'circle' in 'aisles'?

'meditating' amongst 'captives' seems a bit odd (and 'meditating' is a bit heavy handed).

Noah gives you Ark, and vice versa (and when taken with zoo the three seem to be one element too many)

Did you decide to change the title?

It's not the black panthers,

spider monkeys, lunar parrots

or polar bears

that cause me to linger.

nor even sad reciprocal stares .............. (reproachful stares ? black-eyed accusations / of orangutan ?)

of the orangutan enclosure

But the barren backlot; dusty

corrals of ostrich and gazelle,

peacocks, llamas ........................ (description of movement perhaps, or the sound of the peacocks here?

......................................................Wondered about dry-mouthed llamas)

beneath tall cottonwoods

aisles of chainlink fence, dung,

flies and fetid water troughs

and scatterings of pale green straw

in the closeted dust. I want to settle here, ..........you've already told us it's 'dusty' - 'closeted dust' adds nothing.

to squat immobile

an unbelieving Noah

and this Ark's least popular exhibit. .........maybe 'attraction' for 'exhibit'?

Best, Knot

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