05-27-2021, 12:35 AM
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Hi busker,
better for the revision, I think (and thanks for the links)
Didn't find 'strangest thing' in that lake of death tale, but 'wonderful thing' (are they the same thing?)
I agree with TqB, that this reads like more than one poem, the first (S1-2) and second (S3-6) parts don't really come together, for me.
From the bus stop we walk home,
giant canopies sheltering us, ......................... don't think you need the comma, the us continues with timid, doesn't it?
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic, .............. like TqB, I also wonder why 'in' not 'of' (especially as you've a second 'in' on the next line, and again in the last line.
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.............................'cave' is a bit odd for a hermit crab. Are the blinds and crabs adding anything (or am I just being dense)?
The jasmine bush, constellated, .....................'constellated' rather suggests 'stars'
holds white stars. Orange stems ................... (Galaxies of Jasmine bushes/ orange stems crunching / )
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold,
rising or setting it holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inouye* ............ perhaps switch the emphasis of these lines
in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend. ....... not really following this, the change in voice.
How can we pretend
find comfort in cakes and tea
with eternity knocking at our door? .............. like the contrast of tea and cakes with eternity, but it's starting to feel like a separate poem.
Water rippled
on the lake’s face,
cold in the shadow
of a supernatural wing. ................... why is this past tense? Definitely a separate poem
Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira? ...................... the proximity of Inouye and Yudishthira I found problematic, expecting both to be from the same source.
From the bus stop we walk home
beneath giant canopies, timid
plant eaters of the Mesozoic,
sheltering in the suburban afternoon
the autumnal sun looks orange
a Guatemalan marigold rising,
setting, marvellous when seen
through the eyes of Inouye.
O Yudishthira
Of all the things men do
tell me what is the most wonderful?
Best, Knot
.
Hi busker,
better for the revision, I think (and thanks for the links)
Didn't find 'strangest thing' in that lake of death tale, but 'wonderful thing' (are they the same thing?)
I agree with TqB, that this reads like more than one poem, the first (S1-2) and second (S3-6) parts don't really come together, for me.
From the bus stop we walk home,
giant canopies sheltering us, ......................... don't think you need the comma, the us continues with timid, doesn't it?
timid plant eaters in the Mesozoic, .............. like TqB, I also wonder why 'in' not 'of' (especially as you've a second 'in' on the next line, and again in the last line.
past streets in the suburban afternoon,
blinds drawn,
the hermit crab in its cave.............................'cave' is a bit odd for a hermit crab. Are the blinds and crabs adding anything (or am I just being dense)?
The jasmine bush, constellated, .....................'constellated' rather suggests 'stars'
holds white stars. Orange stems ................... (Galaxies of Jasmine bushes/ orange stems crunching / )
crunch underfoot. In autumn,
the sun looks orange, a Guatemalan marigold,
rising or setting it holds no wonder
unless viewed through the eyes of Inouye* ............ perhaps switch the emphasis of these lines
in a sequence of binaries,
and then the truth is deep, too deep to comprehend. ....... not really following this, the change in voice.
How can we pretend
find comfort in cakes and tea
with eternity knocking at our door? .............. like the contrast of tea and cakes with eternity, but it's starting to feel like a separate poem.
Water rippled
on the lake’s face,
cold in the shadow
of a supernatural wing. ................... why is this past tense? Definitely a separate poem
Of all the strange things men do in this world
what is strangest thing,
O Yudishthira? ...................... the proximity of Inouye and Yudishthira I found problematic, expecting both to be from the same source.
From the bus stop we walk home
beneath giant canopies, timid
plant eaters of the Mesozoic,
sheltering in the suburban afternoon
the autumnal sun looks orange
a Guatemalan marigold rising,
setting, marvellous when seen
through the eyes of Inouye.
O Yudishthira
Of all the things men do
tell me what is the most wonderful?
Best, Knot
.