War Drum - edit2

[Erthona]

Duke the 2nd edit is better. Still there seems a disconnect in the overall metaphor, i.e, laundry equals camel cavalry, plus the rhythm does not seem to sustain the piece. I think Mark hits it on the head when he talks about "syncopated sounds". It needs the rhythm to push this piece along. See Walt Whitman "Leaves of Grass" for battle field sounds. Also:

Beat! Beat! Drums!

By Walt Whitman

Look at his use a of alliteration like in "bugles blow," "peace, ploughing" and so on. -dale

Beat! beat! drums!—blow! bugles! blow!
Through the windows—through doors—burst like a ruthless force,
Into the solemn church, and scatter the congregation,
Into the school where the scholar is studying,
Leave not the bridegroom quiet—no happiness must he have now with his bride,
Nor the peaceful farmer any peace, ploughing his field or gathering his grain,
So fierce you whirr and pound you drums—so shrill you bugles blow.

Beat! beat! drums!—blow! bugles! blow!
Over the traffic of cities—over the rumble of wheels in the streets;
Are beds prepared for sleepers at night in the houses? no sleepers must sleep in those beds,
No bargainers’ bargains by day—no brokers or speculators—would they continue?
Would the talkers be talking? would the singer attempt to sing?
Would the lawyer rise in the court to state his case before the judge?
Then rattle quicker, heavier drums—you bugles wilder blow.

Beat! beat! drums!—blow! bugles! blow!
Make no parley—stop for no expostulation,
Mind not the timid—mind not the weeper or prayer,
Mind not the old man beseeching the young man,
Let not the child’s voice be heard, nor the mother’s entreaties,
Make even the trestles to shake the dead where they lie awaiting the hearses,
So strong you thump O terrible drums—so loud you bugles blow. 

best,

dale