05-09-2021, 04:21 AM
(05-08-2021, 12:49 PM)Majestic Sun Wrote: So I think this poem has a lot of The Prophet vibes. I think you are imitating Khalil Gibran a little bit, was that intentional? I think you have a nice style and the imagery in the writing shows but I feel the formatting is a little off, you should put bulletin points in your poetry and I feel that you should split them into two or three stanzas that way I can read it better. This is not to be harsh but I think it would help tremendously, I also think you use like a litle too much and it starts to feel little preachy in some ways. Like in the end of the poem, I thought it was little cheesy because you say that it is finished, what is finished?I have read Gibran, but I wasn't directly imitating him. It was arising out of my heart based off of prophetic utterances I've read and heard in the charismatic Christian church, but with my own personal twist (mixing eroticism with religion).
Where do you think the bullet points should go? Yes, stanzas would work. And I agree I use "like" as well as the word "hand" too much. I will consider the ending. I was quoting the last words of Jesus, to both put a finish to the vision but also allude to the spiritual idea of finding holy peace and completeness.
Matthew