05-08-2021, 08:09 PM
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Hi CRNDLSM
like the title, like the ambition, but I think you have a lot of polishing to do to pull this trick off.
'Touch' in particular seems to cause the most problems in terms of line endings, with 'smell' running a close second. Would the form allow you to get away with using synonyms, especially of the latter?
If homonyms are ok, why not synonyms?
Some brief observations
S1/L2 - This doesn't make any sense to me (who is the 'who couldn't hear'?)
S1/L5 - doesn't feel like something a kid would say. Where's the revulsion? The glee?
S2/L1 - feel a bit conned here since it's not clear that she asked about this before. Presents an opportunity to revisit S1/L1, something along the lines of the Sea being so real you could hear it?
The 'painted sea' from the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner?
S2/L5 - 'up' is redundant after 'raised' (and the enjambment on 'smell' is awkward)
S2/L6 - don't know enough about the form to know if enjambing midway through a word is cheating or not ... but it looks like it is!
Why does she 'shudder'?
S3/L1 - awkward line
S3/L2 - how 'touched the boat'? And how would anyone see her do it?
S3/L3 - 'smells' really doesn't work that well here (and how are they 'mixed with ...' ?)
S3/L$ - this reads as if it is the 'smells' that 'fear what we think' (which baffles me)
S3/L6 - not a good ending to the verse. Too much of a jump from one thing to another.
S4/L2 - how are the 'classrooms a nice touch' (what does it mean)?
S4/L5 - is 'this picture' the one of the 'boat' or the 'painted sea' or the 'blurry man'? Or something else?
S4/L6 - who's taking 'another whiff'?
S5/L3 - shouldn't it be 'smiles' if it is 'the kids gag'? And should she be She?
S5/L4 - 'touch / up the place' doesn't follow naturally from the preceding (to me).
S6 - this feels a bit contrived (in terms of language) and where does the 'orange' come from?
S7 - again, ending a line on 'smelled' really doesn't work.
Best, Knot
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Hi CRNDLSM
like the title, like the ambition, but I think you have a lot of polishing to do to pull this trick off.
'Touch' in particular seems to cause the most problems in terms of line endings, with 'smell' running a close second. Would the form allow you to get away with using synonyms, especially of the latter?
If homonyms are ok, why not synonyms?
Some brief observations
S1/L2 - This doesn't make any sense to me (who is the 'who couldn't hear'?)
S1/L5 - doesn't feel like something a kid would say. Where's the revulsion? The glee?
S2/L1 - feel a bit conned here since it's not clear that she asked about this before. Presents an opportunity to revisit S1/L1, something along the lines of the Sea being so real you could hear it?
The 'painted sea' from the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner?
S2/L5 - 'up' is redundant after 'raised' (and the enjambment on 'smell' is awkward)
S2/L6 - don't know enough about the form to know if enjambing midway through a word is cheating or not ... but it looks like it is!
Why does she 'shudder'?
S3/L1 - awkward line
S3/L2 - how 'touched the boat'? And how would anyone see her do it?
S3/L3 - 'smells' really doesn't work that well here (and how are they 'mixed with ...' ?)
S3/L$ - this reads as if it is the 'smells' that 'fear what we think' (which baffles me)
S3/L6 - not a good ending to the verse. Too much of a jump from one thing to another.
S4/L2 - how are the 'classrooms a nice touch' (what does it mean)?
S4/L5 - is 'this picture' the one of the 'boat' or the 'painted sea' or the 'blurry man'? Or something else?
S4/L6 - who's taking 'another whiff'?
S5/L3 - shouldn't it be 'smiles' if it is 'the kids gag'? And should she be She?
S5/L4 - 'touch / up the place' doesn't follow naturally from the preceding (to me).
S6 - this feels a bit contrived (in terms of language) and where does the 'orange' come from?
S7 - again, ending a line on 'smelled' really doesn't work.
Best, Knot
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