The Hobbyhorse

[Majestic Sun]

Duke said "I'm not sure it would.  You can try it, but I don't think you'll be able to easily reduce it to a consistent line length.   A more easily read rhythm, maybe, without trying to make it completely consistent or all line lengths the same."  I agree.

Here's my suggestion.  First, do or at least consider all Dukalien's suggestions for word changes etc.  He has given you a lot of good suggestions.  Use them.

As for blank verse, I don't write to metric formulas, so I'm the wrong person to ask.  I would say read it aloud (AFTER you make changes Dukealien suggests), break the lines where you pause while reading it aloud.  I don't know if that's free verse or what.  But it leaves room for rhythym within and between the lines.  I can't tell you how to make it more rhythmic uintil I see what you do next.

I see, I will take Dukealien's advice to heart, and I will read it aloud.