Draft 5: Always Space

[Majestic Sun]

I didn't think the draft I posted was ready for critique, so I had that thread deleted and am now reposting this poem. Sorry for any confusion.




We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor (cool word, I just looked this up, fitting)
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza (what does this plaza look like, what colour, texture, something)
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle. (nice image!)

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice (say building instead, edifice is an old fashioned word)
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, (haunting!) will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has. (interesting message! I love this ending line!)

I think that needs to be replaced with which, I feel it would carry weight in the poem.

Thanks for sharing!