04-25-2021, 09:30 PM
OK Majestic. I did what I think I'm not supposed to do, and did my own rewrite. It's 80% your own words, but I took the liberty of radically altering and adding some lines. You don't have to have lines of equal length, unless you are writing in some kind of meter/form that I'm not picking up on. You could print it out and lay it side by side with your original and see what I've done.
p.s. you need a different title, something about jazz i think
This new dawn I hope to soak in the love,
the moment of a new day.
I inhale my long cigarette and savour my scotch,
As the dreadful night comes unveiling.
The argument of the shadow and light
Stabs my eyes from the orange streetlights.
Smooth jazz fills my heart
sounds of saxophones and percussion.
I wait for dawn to give me a dance of morning light.
I despise the streetlight glinting through windows.
I deny the night which darkens the sky.
With its clarity, its subtle tranquility, jazz
Wakes me every new morning, drives me to be
A better man, and every evening,
the sound of blues ascends from the docking station
bringing me home again.
But as long as I have Jazz I am unstoppable,
This is the music that defines my waking life.
p.s. you need a different title, something about jazz i think
This new dawn I hope to soak in the love,
the moment of a new day.
I inhale my long cigarette and savour my scotch,
As the dreadful night comes unveiling.
The argument of the shadow and light
Stabs my eyes from the orange streetlights.
Smooth jazz fills my heart
sounds of saxophones and percussion.
I wait for dawn to give me a dance of morning light.
I despise the streetlight glinting through windows.
I deny the night which darkens the sky.
With its clarity, its subtle tranquility, jazz
Wakes me every new morning, drives me to be
A better man, and every evening,
the sound of blues ascends from the docking station
bringing me home again.
But as long as I have Jazz I am unstoppable,
This is the music that defines my waking life.