04-23-2021, 08:41 AM
AP, lot's a very good imagery and emotional content. There is an angst in it and a sense of foreboding. It makes me feel anxious and angry.
All of these things are good to get across to your reader. I however have to agree with what the others have pointed out.
Such as, the short separate lines do not resonate with me either. Not sure what your intent was here. Not that there isn't an intent, it just did not carry over to me.
It could really use some proper line breaks. In my mind I can see if they were placed properly this would be a very good piece.
This is my first time in Basic and not really sure how much help or critique should be given or if this should be just a mild overview and let the poet find their own strides.
Either way, this one is worth working on. I like the many "mouth" visual descriptions used in this. Every stanza seems to illustrate its many functions. Very cool feeling to it. It is almost tactile for me.
Find those line breaks. I think that would be my first step. I think if you do find them the cadence would be very satisfying.
Cheers, Tim
All of these things are good to get across to your reader. I however have to agree with what the others have pointed out.
Such as, the short separate lines do not resonate with me either. Not sure what your intent was here. Not that there isn't an intent, it just did not carry over to me.
It could really use some proper line breaks. In my mind I can see if they were placed properly this would be a very good piece.
This is my first time in Basic and not really sure how much help or critique should be given or if this should be just a mild overview and let the poet find their own strides.
Either way, this one is worth working on. I like the many "mouth" visual descriptions used in this. Every stanza seems to illustrate its many functions. Very cool feeling to it. It is almost tactile for me.
Find those line breaks. I think that would be my first step. I think if you do find them the cadence would be very satisfying.
Cheers, Tim