Crazy hot

[tmanzano]

.

Hi tmanzano.

there are not two people.

No, this was clear, at least in your last revision, even allowing for the 'misdirection' of 'down the hall'.

Just a thought(s)

I catch him staring

every morning, watching

me leave. I smile

...

or

Every morning I catch him

staring, watching me leave

...

or

Every morning he watches

me leave.  Staring.  I smile

...

I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last.

I was trying to tie it to the title

"THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening.

Yes, got that (though wondered what happened to fall/autumn) - if you were going for cyclic shouldn't the verse order be summer/fall/winter/spring/THIS summer ... ?

your writing style seems to differ from mine

I would hope so! Be very boring if we all wrote the same way

Best, Knot

.

Oh my goodness, me too! How boring it would in fact be is so true. 

As to the suggestions... I find I really enjoy the cadence of the piece. I have them set this way to match up the stanzas cadence with like thoughts. 

I feel this is coming to an end. I cannot find what I could do better, with my skills that is. 

I will still not leave it off the table for now. 

Thank you so much for your comments here. It really has helped.

---

I had one last thought:

"He throws rocksthrough his windows
that land on my bed/kitchen table whatever..."

now I will shut up.

Never shut up... I love the thought and ideas. It allows me to gage my arrangements. 

Thank you very much for them.

---

Hey tman-

I worked one poem over a period of 12 years, so you are not alone.  I have also gone back to other poems and either made them "better", or permanently screwed them up.  That said, there comes a time to cut them loose.  Sometimes simply starting over can do the trick: try not to stay married to an idea when divorcing yourself from it is the better option. 

I think part of the issue you're having here is establishing one person with two distinct voices (and which one is real).

Relating the cycles of manic depression to the seasons is a very good idea, yet that presents its own, separate issues.

I do know the feeling: why let an idea drive me crazy when I'm close enough to walk?

...Mark

Well there you go... I feel I am in fact done here. Thank you for your comments are very poignant. It has hit home. 

Based on the comments recently I think it has what it needs albeit somewhat of a reach and slightly veiled. I believe I like that. 

Thank you all so very very much. I will not pick at this scab anymore. It is finished.

---

.

Hi tmanzano.

there are not two people.

No, this was clear, at least in your last revision, even allowing for the 'misdirection' of 'down the hall'.

Just a thought(s)

I catch him staring

every morning, watching

me leave. I smile

...

or

Every morning I catch him

staring, watching me leave

...

or

Every morning he watches

me leave.  Staring.  I smile

...

I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last.

I was trying to tie it to the title

"THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening.

Yes, got that (though wondered what happened to fall/autumn) - if you were going for cyclic shouldn't the verse order be summer/fall/winter/spring/THIS summer ... ?

your writing style seems to differ from mine

I would hope so! Be very boring if we all wrote the same way

Best, Knot

.

Oh my goodness, me too! How boring it would in fact be is so true. 

As to the suggestions... I find I really enjoy the cadence of the piece. I have them set this way to match up the stanzas cadence with like thoughts. 

I feel this is coming to an end. I cannot find what I could do better, with my skills that is. 

I will still not leave it off the table for now. 

Thank you so much for your comments here. It really has helped.

---

I had one last thought:

"He throws rocksthrough his windows
that land on my bed/kitchen table whatever..."

now I will shut up.

Never shut up... I love the thought and ideas. It allows me to gage my arrangements. 

Thank you very much for them.

---

Hey tman-

I worked one poem over a period of 12 years, so you are not alone.  I have also gone back to other poems and either made them "better", or permanently screwed them up.  That said, there comes a time to cut them loose.  Sometimes simply starting over can do the trick: try not to stay married to an idea when divorcing yourself from it is the better option. 

I think part of the issue you're having here is establishing one person with two distinct voices (and which one is real).

Relating the cycles of manic depression to the seasons is a very good idea, yet that presents its own, separate issues.

I do know the feeling: why let an idea drive me crazy when I'm close enough to walk?

...Mark

Well there you go... I feel I am in fact done here. Thank you for your comments are very poignant. It has hit home. 

Based on the comments recently I think it has what it needs albeit somewhat of a reach and slightly veiled. I believe I like that. 

Thank you all so very very much. I will not pick at this scab anymore. It is finished.

Final Edit submitted at beginning of thread. Some of the suggestions gather here juts recently were taken in and were very helpful. 

Thanks again.