04-21-2021, 09:55 AM
Hi again Tmanzano
As a fellow writer in code, I can't fault you for that. As you say, this poem has a lot for the reader to unlock.
It's selfish to taste your morning
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies this whole line is a bit awkward to me; it's actually a little too plain next to the other excellent lines in the stanza; I think you should make the molestation less in plain sight
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego very effective image
I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles this is a strongly packed image but I can't quite get how you would "masturbate old age"
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here
When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on i think this is a very good final stanza
All in all, you are too hard on yourself on the code business. Not that this is a simple poem by any means.
p.s. not crazy about the title
As a fellow writer in code, I can't fault you for that. As you say, this poem has a lot for the reader to unlock.
It's selfish to taste your morning
all at once knowing you had passed
but that was yesterday when you touched all those babies this whole line is a bit awkward to me; it's actually a little too plain next to the other excellent lines in the stanza; I think you should make the molestation less in plain sight
when they breathed you in deep and smelled San Diego very effective image
I stared too long at you, into your echoes
your masturbating old age into oxygen bottles this is a strongly packed image but I can't quite get how you would "masturbate old age"
stroking out to door handles you twisted to leave here
When you cinder
I will give you back to Mexico
with all my pulverized bone wrapped in plastic
sealed tight enough for you to gnash your teeth on i think this is a very good final stanza
All in all, you are too hard on yourself on the code business. Not that this is a simple poem by any means.
p.s. not crazy about the title