Beelzebub
#3
(03-29-2021, 03:50 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  STARGATE* of IVANHOE

In each card shuffled with scented confustion (Confusion is spelt wrong, also shuffled doesn't work here, dealt is better)
you deliver the sacred tree
with new time
appointed by the stars * ** **** * *** * ** ***** *** * * (Why the asterisks? Doesn't work here because it takes up line space in the poem, what do they mean?)
to cover the hemi - sphere (Why not write hemisphere like this?)
of the ancient scroll
the seed purchased land
growing up turbines
of plump, round and pregnant disposition
sun- touched and aimless (Interesting line, I understand this well)
oh fruits of jupiter (Jupiter needs to be capitalized)
or moses cactii
Anatoth riding out
gleams of Mercurial sea foam cucumber (Say what?)
and de - canted canteloupe (spelt Cantaloupe wrong)
decanted, sideways,
like jacob (spelt Jacob wrong) crying potatoes\ (How can potatoes cry?) 
into the jibbed soil
the moon ladder carrying aquarius (But a capital A in Aquarius) 
and buckets of apples
turned into hard cider (Too many descriptive words, needs to be shortened, also what is this poem about?)
Anyway this is best I can do, this is just a thought but I think you should make those changes. Anyway thanks for sharing.
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Messages In This Thread
Beelzebub - by Thunderembargo - 03-29-2021, 03:50 AM
RE: Beelzebub - by TranquillityBase - 03-29-2021, 09:01 PM
RE: Beelzebub - by Majestic Sun - 04-21-2021, 07:02 AM
RE: Beelzebub - by busker - 09-26-2021, 08:17 AM
RE: Beelzebub - by ISawASpaceship - 09-28-2021, 07:35 PM
RE: Beelzebub - by Beowulf - 10-10-2021, 12:43 PM
RE: Beelzebub - by Sapphire26855 - 11-03-2021, 05:05 AM



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