04-18-2021, 10:12 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-18-2021, 10:24 PM by TranquillityBase.)
Hi Majestic,
I gave this couple of reads too. You mention that it is an "epic". I think you should read about the epic form, maybe just the Wikipedia article on epic poems. You have a cool story embedded in this poem, but I don't think it's epic material. So get that out of you head, write the story (as a poem) as succintly as possible. You've got lots of nice lines and images to start with.
You are always welcome post revisions. That's the whole point of Pig Pen.
P.s. the periods at the end of each line are distracting. if you are not sure about punctuation, just leave it out.
you might also read it aloud to yourself if you are not already doing that. That will help you pick up on excess words/awkward phrasing. your lines should come easily off the tongue.
I gave this couple of reads too. You mention that it is an "epic". I think you should read about the epic form, maybe just the Wikipedia article on epic poems. You have a cool story embedded in this poem, but I don't think it's epic material. So get that out of you head, write the story (as a poem) as succintly as possible. You've got lots of nice lines and images to start with.
You are always welcome post revisions. That's the whole point of Pig Pen.
P.s. the periods at the end of each line are distracting. if you are not sure about punctuation, just leave it out.
you might also read it aloud to yourself if you are not already doing that. That will help you pick up on excess words/awkward phrasing. your lines should come easily off the tongue.