04-15-2021, 04:05 AM
Hey M. Sun-
Since this is BASIC I'll go easy...
It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper. The way you approach your subject (black man) is very off-putting (to put it nicely), and I'll leave it at that.
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is. If I'm in the audience, I may not know who Majid Jordan is, and no clue is given.
I feel like you have achieved gold-status Is this a review, or a poem? The idea is not developed later...
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in a library, in the hospital, in the streets, This reads a bit like a laundry list without supporting details.
you have it all.
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you ???
acknowledge about the sensual music they Check the sentence structure
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension. Sentence structure, again.
Sometimes I think going from place to place
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night. All of a sudden you describe a video. ???
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men. Un-necessarily judgemental here- do you really know how "most black men" dance?
Hold on to your hand, put it up, fingers flicking
up and down, you crump, your limbs wiggle in
and out, what a move! See, I believe you
can make the group Majid Jordan more happy I'm really confused by this
if you perform in more music videos.
You might just blow you load in front of them Wow, this is supposed to be some kind of shock ending? It doesn't work.
in embarrassment. Why embarrassment?
Well, M.Sun- read this to yourself and listen to how it sounds. It may be harsh to comment that this reads more like a review than a poem, but it could well be prose, with line breaks, but the line breaks are mostly arbitrary.
If you develop a relationship between the performer and the audience, and try to work in Majid Jordan more clearly, than a reader (like me) will have a better idea of what you're trying to accomplish here. You must understand that what is clear in your mind is not clear to readers unless you offer some clues.
Since this is BASIC I'll go easy...
It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper. The way you approach your subject (black man) is very off-putting (to put it nicely), and I'll leave it at that.
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is. If I'm in the audience, I may not know who Majid Jordan is, and no clue is given.
I feel like you have achieved gold-status Is this a review, or a poem? The idea is not developed later...
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in a library, in the hospital, in the streets, This reads a bit like a laundry list without supporting details.
you have it all.
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you ???
acknowledge about the sensual music they Check the sentence structure
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension. Sentence structure, again.
Sometimes I think going from place to place
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night. All of a sudden you describe a video. ???
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men. Un-necessarily judgemental here- do you really know how "most black men" dance?
Hold on to your hand, put it up, fingers flicking
up and down, you crump, your limbs wiggle in
and out, what a move! See, I believe you
can make the group Majid Jordan more happy I'm really confused by this
if you perform in more music videos.
You might just blow you load in front of them Wow, this is supposed to be some kind of shock ending? It doesn't work.
in embarrassment. Why embarrassment?
Well, M.Sun- read this to yourself and listen to how it sounds. It may be harsh to comment that this reads more like a review than a poem, but it could well be prose, with line breaks, but the line breaks are mostly arbitrary.
If you develop a relationship between the performer and the audience, and try to work in Majid Jordan more clearly, than a reader (like me) will have a better idea of what you're trying to accomplish here. You must understand that what is clear in your mind is not clear to readers unless you offer some clues.