Celestial Bodies Dancing in Toronto

[Majestic Sun]

Good morning Majestic,

I think you could improve this by focusing only on the black man (a street performer?).  He's the star of the poem.  I kind of lose you when you start writing about the music video (?).
So the part in red is where you really lose me.  and how did he get in the video?

It is a really interesting subject for a poem.


It’s hard to say if I like watching you dance
black man, with your crumpling moves.
When you look up, you make people freeze
like they saw the reaper, I think
you meant to dance to hip-hop to entice the crowd.
 
The audience knows who Majid Jordan is.
I feel like you've achieved gold-status
with those moves, in the mall, in the snow,
in the library, in the hospital, in the streets,
you have it all.
 
You impress Majid Jordan by the way you             this reads more like a prose sentence,  needs condensing*
acknowledge about the sensual music they
create, the feeling of bodies being rubbed
like sexual tension.
Sometimes I think going from place to place.        it seems like you've switched from a poem about the dancer to a poem about a music video
in the video makes me feel a little dizzy
when seeing the rooftops so high at night.
 
Barely any semi-circles of stars in open skies.
You still dance better than most black men.          Great finish



*Just an (not great) example of what could be done

*Everybody knows Majid Jordan, but they don't know you.
You embody Majid's sensual music
the feeling of bodies being rubbed in sexual tension
I watch the video, jumping from place to place,
dizzy seeing rooftops so high at night.

Well here is the thing: I was just following the music video, I wanted to embody the black man and the music video together, here is what I am talking about (2) Majid Jordan - Forever (Official Video) - YouTube

I wonder if I could just include the black man instead of talking about the music video. Also I will condense this poem.