03-31-2021, 09:22 PM
Hello again Tim-
So, you have 3 suggestions so far:
1- Knot offered some rearrangement and other slight changes
2- I offered a full scale, more structured arrangement
3- busker offered very minimal changes
As the poet, you get to decide how to process those suggestions.
As regards free verse, it is important to remember just how difficult that form actually is. When one chooses to abandon set meter, rhymes, etc, it becomes all the more important that the words produce variations in rythmn and images, such that a reader is pulled along. Many times I find that free verse is best when read aloud: examples include works by Ginsberg and Whitman. Much of their power lies in the SOUND of their poems.
When you read your poem aloud, listen for how it tells its story, and correct/strengthen areas of concern. Since you floated this piece in MODERATE it indicates that you're seeking constructive critique, and I hope you got some to help guide you. If not, please indicate the specific areas where you're struggling.
Here to help, and I know that Knot and busker are, as well.
...Mark
Me again Tim-
I think you may be having difficulty incorporating these details:
the pictures composed of dried flowers
that you made in Spain: a seahorse,
a goldfish, two lovers.
added to my reliquary of pens found
and the sun-faded Topo Chico bottle found in your garden.
When I edited, I left them out, and focused on the book itself. I know these details are important to you as part of the reliquary, but they need to be added in such a way as to be most effective in their addition. Note how much of your poem is spent on Rayuela, and that the other details appear a bit "thrown in" to the reliquary.
The commas at the line breaks aren't really necessary (unless this were written as prose). You may also want to play with the line lengths and the line breaks to hear what effects that may produce.
All that said, I think I've worn out my welcome on this one,
Mark
So, you have 3 suggestions so far:
1- Knot offered some rearrangement and other slight changes
2- I offered a full scale, more structured arrangement
3- busker offered very minimal changes
As the poet, you get to decide how to process those suggestions.
As regards free verse, it is important to remember just how difficult that form actually is. When one chooses to abandon set meter, rhymes, etc, it becomes all the more important that the words produce variations in rythmn and images, such that a reader is pulled along. Many times I find that free verse is best when read aloud: examples include works by Ginsberg and Whitman. Much of their power lies in the SOUND of their poems.
When you read your poem aloud, listen for how it tells its story, and correct/strengthen areas of concern. Since you floated this piece in MODERATE it indicates that you're seeking constructive critique, and I hope you got some to help guide you. If not, please indicate the specific areas where you're struggling.
Here to help, and I know that Knot and busker are, as well.
...Mark
Me again Tim-
I think you may be having difficulty incorporating these details:
the pictures composed of dried flowers
that you made in Spain: a seahorse,
a goldfish, two lovers.
added to my reliquary of pens found
and the sun-faded Topo Chico bottle found in your garden.
When I edited, I left them out, and focused on the book itself. I know these details are important to you as part of the reliquary, but they need to be added in such a way as to be most effective in their addition. Note how much of your poem is spent on Rayuela, and that the other details appear a bit "thrown in" to the reliquary.
The commas at the line breaks aren't really necessary (unless this were written as prose). You may also want to play with the line lengths and the line breaks to hear what effects that may produce.
All that said, I think I've worn out my welcome on this one,
Mark