Raisin' Caine From the Shelf of Milton

[Thunderembargo]

I really am impressed with the cosmic scope of your poem.

General things and some questions.  I'm assuming the HTML stuff is not part of the poem (I'm new around here).  

This is an pretty demanding poem for a reader. The first thing I'd suggest is breaking it up into sections, to give the reader a few rest stops.  As I understand the poem, you could break it up after stanzas 7, 16, 22, 27, 30 and maybe one more to give the reader a place to pause and take in previous section.

I'm still trying to understand the poem as a whole as to meaning(s).

Now a possibly stupid question:  how important is rhyming to you?  I'm seeing words and phrases that seem added on simply for the rhyme scheme.  I'm not a fan of rhyme, so I'm prejudiced.  I'll try to point out examples, but I think this poem would work better as just blank verse, e.g. no rhymes.

Is there a metrical scheme you are following?  (I'm pretty ignorant on metrics). Because the first stanzas are regular in line length, but as the poem goes on, some stanzas get much longer lines, then you go back to a more standard line length.

Here's some notes on first 7 stanzas.  I'm taking a cue from another member and "boldly bolding" the lines I like.  Red is for lines i don't understand.


The blood must be re-claimed from the soil
With heavy bodies bent with lust and toil
Each riven day strafing the rule of the garden
The mohammedans slaking for some pardon
Not for themselves or all alone under banished sky      
For all the abandoned who look forward to die

Nothing so simple as an unwanted blessing
A mercenary corps of doctors or hessians      feels like it's here simply for the rhyme
The great stock of whisky, a limited edition
A dusty tome of Aristotle and keen erudition
Prophetic Angel, Skytree, the verse of Gibran
Oracle of day, Holy Moses, rocket of Kahlil

We go to the new Stars, Heavens reverse
All foretold and pointed, reverse engineered              ?
The worlds prepared before and Inhabited too
Nothing left to starve or bewitch from the dew
Unfathomable promise, time without end,
The count of sand or heather and mountains portend

A new day perhaps, of immeasurable tin, sound of din
A hurricane noise, a thrall of riotous cuts, although thin  this is what I mean about a phrase added just for the rhyme, at least it reads that way to me
The blood-curdle choke of rage from before
Now purchased like plasma from the needle store
Go fuck yourself, If you want my dick, you vampire whore
You’ve had enough since the Garden, Lillith, you’ll not get more

Now the ratio between human, vampire, dragon and other dead
Has been cast with fair radiant echo against the nuclear thread
A shroud sewn with Alcubierre’s hand and Teller’s eye
Will re-write the laws of your time to die
Not forced by the forced prison of your local priest
Or enticed by Babylon to take part in it’s wicked feast

The work that was promised to Adam and re-framed unto Cain
To un-curse the valley, glen and land: to filter Acid from Rain
With thorns o- the rose coming loose from the Bush
And snakes running hither or thither in scintillate Rush
The Oracle of Satan found new charms to spread in perfect Cube  I love the content here but the rhyming and word order distract from it
Could be the shape of Sound Maynard or Max’s Cubic Rube

The Time of Orwell Now and Jobs spelling Apple at his Side
And Sting writing programs for the Cops, whom along for the Ride
the Bladerunner checkin for humans among the technical horde
Huxley detected the separate spirit, lobotimized souls, Model T Fords
And Harrison checked again with electric sleep on the Brain
A tear for Summer, or a vision for Canticles, a wave almost Inane  It's pretty amazing how much you put into a single stanza.  Is Canticles a reference to the novel A Canticle for Leibowitz?

that's all for now.  I will try to come back with more later.

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many thanks