03-25-2021, 10:07 PM
Hey busker-
Very evocative, lovely piece.
Larks singing before dawn adds a brilliant touch, since that actually is when larks may sing, and it offers a subtle signal that the fairy tale night is coming to an end. I don't know that "leaching" helps the image, though.
I've taken the liberty to substitute "swirling" for "leaching", struck "the" from "underneath the covers", replaced "and larks" with "as larks", and rearranged the lines... Hope not outta line:
Star to Mantua
Swirling silver on water
beneath bridges,
there is a always a moon
full, for young lovers
in the fairy tale night,
burnishing the ridges,
while they lie in a swoon
underneath covers, as larks sing
of the soon to be light
Very evocative, lovely piece.
Larks singing before dawn adds a brilliant touch, since that actually is when larks may sing, and it offers a subtle signal that the fairy tale night is coming to an end. I don't know that "leaching" helps the image, though.
I've taken the liberty to substitute "swirling" for "leaching", struck "the" from "underneath the covers", replaced "and larks" with "as larks", and rearranged the lines... Hope not outta line:
Star to Mantua
Swirling silver on water
beneath bridges,
there is a always a moon
full, for young lovers
in the fairy tale night,
burnishing the ridges,
while they lie in a swoon
underneath covers, as larks sing
of the soon to be light