03-14-2021, 03:33 AM
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Hi Frenchie,
enjoyed the read. I think you’ve got the tone just right,
My main suggestion would be to pare it back slightly, it needs, I think, to be tauter (choose your repetitions carefully). For instance, I like the ‘don’t tell me’ refrain, but not the repeat of ‘house’.
I’d suggest something like
So you want to build a house?
(I feel like you’re missing a line here, would you normally go straight from the rhetorical question to ‘don’t ...’? Perhaps it just needs an ‘OK, but’ or ‘fine, but’?)
Don't tell me about the ones next door
Don't tell me That yours will be bigger.
That you have the best team in town.
Don't tell me How you will paint it,
Or how many windows you want
...
(I think you could cut the next two lines, they seem slightly out of step with the rest)
Don't show me furniture
Don't tell me it will be safe
...
Show me the bricks,
(like this line, but the next one is a bit weak. Where’s the technical language? ‘Stones, mud, wood ‘are just too generic.)
or stones or mud or wood.
...
(unless ‘A, B and C’ are an integral part of the house-building process, I’d suggest cutting it - or make it the whole sentence more colloquial.)
Show me options A, B and C,
(The next three lines seem to be from a different poem, and they rather slow the pace, just when you’re picking it up. I’d cut them and go straight to ‘Show me that you’re real’)
Tell me about the roof and I will see your impatience,
your energy and your attempts,
I can see the story
Show me that you're real,
that the house won't be just a dream.
(Good ending, though perhaps ‘isn’t’ for ‘won’t be’?)
I wonder if the first line might not make a better title?
Best, Knot
.
Hi Frenchie,
enjoyed the read. I think you’ve got the tone just right,
My main suggestion would be to pare it back slightly, it needs, I think, to be tauter (choose your repetitions carefully). For instance, I like the ‘don’t tell me’ refrain, but not the repeat of ‘house’.
I’d suggest something like
So you want to build a house?
(I feel like you’re missing a line here, would you normally go straight from the rhetorical question to ‘don’t ...’? Perhaps it just needs an ‘OK, but’ or ‘fine, but’?)
Don't tell me about the ones next door
Don't tell me That yours will be bigger.
That you have the best team in town.
Don't tell me How you will paint it,
Or how many windows you want
...
(I think you could cut the next two lines, they seem slightly out of step with the rest)
Don't show me furniture
Don't tell me it will be safe
...
Show me the bricks,
(like this line, but the next one is a bit weak. Where’s the technical language? ‘Stones, mud, wood ‘are just too generic.)
or stones or mud or wood.
...
(unless ‘A, B and C’ are an integral part of the house-building process, I’d suggest cutting it - or make it the whole sentence more colloquial.)
Show me options A, B and C,
(The next three lines seem to be from a different poem, and they rather slow the pace, just when you’re picking it up. I’d cut them and go straight to ‘Show me that you’re real’)
Tell me about the roof and I will see your impatience,
your energy and your attempts,
I can see the story
Show me that you're real,
that the house won't be just a dream.
(Good ending, though perhaps ‘isn’t’ for ‘won’t be’?)
I wonder if the first line might not make a better title?
Best, Knot
.