02-28-2021, 12:12 AM
.
Hi TqB,
I don't understand this, which isn't necessarily a problem, but I'm having a hard time following it because of its form (or lack thereof). It reads as a song lyric (of course I'm thinking Bowie) that's freed itself from its music and singer and is wandering all over the place. I think something more formal (or just simply regular) would suit it better.
Some notes to be going on with,
don't think repeating the name works, why not
Lalan says,
“My heart is like bamboo,
Empty of love.”
One night's of absolutely untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this.
That said but No and sent me on my woeful way,
my sin of sins was expectation. (sins were?)
“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say
all then all, cut one.
“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.
--------------------------------------------------------did something go missing here? If not, why the gap?
Or as a rabbi’s daughter said to me,
“We probably will.”
bullshit then loins seem like too different (clashing?) tones.
Ending on this must be the place works (I think) the current ending is a bit heavy handed.
But you could though move the final couplet up and make it the second verse, giving
Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,
And these may be the last breaths
I take Of all the love that’s left.
So the Song begins.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot
.
Hi TqB,
I don't understand this, which isn't necessarily a problem, but I'm having a hard time following it because of its form (or lack thereof). It reads as a song lyric (of course I'm thinking Bowie) that's freed itself from its music and singer and is wandering all over the place. I think something more formal (or just simply regular) would suit it better.
Some notes to be going on with,
don't think repeating the name works, why not
Lalan says,
“My heart is like bamboo,
Empty of love.”
One night's of absolutely untainted bliss,
of course I wanted more of this.
That said but No and sent me on my woeful way,
my sin of sins was expectation. (sins were?)
“It’s all bullshit,” was all I ever heard Aphrodite say
all then all, cut one.
“There might be a little blood down there,”
said the Queen to the drunken fly.
--------------------------------------------------------did something go missing here? If not, why the gap?
Or as a rabbi’s daughter said to me,
“We probably will.”
bullshit then loins seem like too different (clashing?) tones.
Ending on this must be the place works (I think) the current ending is a bit heavy handed.
But you could though move the final couplet up and make it the second verse, giving
Papa’s got the sunset blues
Tranquillity Base, my candle’s almost gone,
And these may be the last breaths
I take Of all the love that’s left.
So the Song begins.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot
.